OMG, I feel like an idiot, and I think I just annoyed my gardener. See, I have had my motorbike licence for some years now. I had always planned to get it and a bike. They were on my ‘bucket list’. I am still a very new rider though and have not yet spent a lot of time on the roads. Right when I was ready to finally get on out there, the pandemic hit, and I think I’ve been out once. The one time I posted about it, months ago. Because of this, I do not think to run the battery. Even though it has died on me so many times, that I constantly have to recharge the battery. Which has once again happened. Ivan my gardener has helped me the last few times because for the life of me, I cannot get the bloody seat off to even access the battery of the bike, let alone charge it. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve watched YouTube clips, nothing helps. There are some things you can do and there are some things that you can’t. Apparently, taking motorbike seats off is just not something I can do. And that’s ok. So, like always, I asked Ivan if he could help me once he was done as I was his last client of the week, and he lives at the end of the adjacent street. Approximately 3 minutes’ walk, if even. He goes “right alright, I mean, what’s wrong with it, I have to go straight home after this”. Ok, cool, all good by me, but he seemed stressed by it. Maybe he feels bad saying no? I have no idea. Anyway, I told him all good, I mean, it’s my stuff up, and it’s not like it’s one I haven’t learnt before. Or, I guess, I haven’t learnt it at all. I think I will right it on one of the kitchen cupboards .. ‘have you charged your motorbike Libby?’.. ‘Have you been out for a ride on your motorbike Libby?’.. that one’s for after lockdown, but I have been thinking that I could put my wallet in a backpack and ride it to the supermarket. Well, I could have, but now it’s flat again. Goodness me hahaha

It feels like it’s been forever since I last sat down and wrote. For me anyway. I have been through so much since I last posted. The darkness came up and got me real good. But I’m back, and feeling better than ever, since, when you truly know where you stand, that you have nothing to lose, and only everything to gain, it helps to see the good, lighter side of the world. Because I know darkness. Boy, do I know darkness. Just like so many of you. I am one tiny little person in a world of millions. But I still count, just like you. See, unlike the utilatilistms, I do not believe in sacrificing one for the sake of many. Because the ‘many’ are made up of all of us ‘ones’. All of us are our own unique individual beautiful selves, created perfectly exactly as we are, and then we must endure existence on this planet, in this word, that our dumb selfish species has done to themselves, and all the hurt, pain done to others. We are literally all the same. I mean, I for one, believe we are all energy at our simplest and in that sense, we are all one and therefore we should treat others exactly as we would want to be treated. I currently have ants along one side of the kitchen wall. Not too many, but enough to be too many. I noticed them as I was vacuuming. Dust doesn’t run in fear out of the way. Now I understand not everyone is like me, but I couldn’t vacuum along that wall until all the ants had run away, because I just won’t vacuum them up. Who I am to do that to a living creature? Kind yeah, I am perfectly aware of everything people can say to me on this topic, but I am good with where I’m at. I will always happily wait until they have gone before I continue, just like I always check my shower for spiders first before turning on the water, so no sider drowns, this wis who I am, and truthfully, how I believe everyone would be, once we as a species evolve higher into our ideal selves. Our Higher Selves. No, I do not think that is going to happen while I am alive, or even my beautiful, currently 7-year-old, nieces, great grand kids may even see (we are that stupid in my opinion as a collective species. Right not, money, power and greed seem to be what is going to win for a few more centuries unfortunately, but that’s for another post).

So, I walked away, and have now come back to say this, since it has just hit me, while I put double sided tape on my pictures to hopefully get them to actually stay up, and for some reason I was thinking about mum. My mum, and how more than anything I would like an actual real deep genuine relationship with her, but, that it is part of this lifetime for me, that I have had to accept that that will never happen, and that’s when it hit me. I do not trust myself. In the slightest. I second guess and question absolutely every single thought that goes through my head. I literally twist myself into circles second guessing every move I make. I know I wasn’t always like this. I can’t quite remember when that was, but I know it is true. Even if most of the letters from the past 17 years’ worth of medical records I have recently read through, start with .. “this, poor, unfortunate woman”.. there are some things you just never forget, and, reading this sentence the number of times that I have in the past month and a half or so, will stay with me forever. There is a lot to that story, but again, not for today. Or tonight, actually. It’s 7:15 pm at night. My house is clean, even my floor rugs are freshly clean, though I do still need to mop, but spot cleaning and another post all about mopping will explain that another day haha, but yeah, besides the floors not being mopped, everything is nice and clean, and the last thing I had wanted to do before returning to write this post, was put the pictures up. The living room one had fallen down, these are light weight canvas’ by the way, so I’m hoping that the entire brand-new roll of double-sided tape if enough between the two pictures I have. The living room one, for above my tv, and one for the hallway. Both awesome sources from hard rubbish, so winning in my opinion. Most of the stuff in my house was either bought on Facebook community, paid for with ice (the drug), both of which, I used 6 years ago when I got them, or from hard rubbish. My bed was my sister’s partner’s bed from when he was growing up, I believe, and I gave him a slab of bed for it. It’s a nice queen size and I already had a queen mattress, so I was happy. Still am, hence everything is still the same haha!

I am writing this on a word document right that that is saving as I write to the cloud. Lost too many stories that haven’t auto saved, and that is a devastating feeling, so I try to be extra careful. I’m fairly certain WordPress saves as I write my posts, but I should probably double check that, which as I even write that I think I may have done that already. Boy, do I need to pay more attention to actually taking in the information I am learning. About everything! I am seriously not sure what’s going on with me there, but my good friend thinks my body is literally screaming at me to rest, since I have been through so much emotionally, only last week. The reason I am using word though, is that I finally bought a new phone today. My S10 broke completely approximately week and a half ago to two weeks and I’ve been using said friends’ old flip phone, which has been extremely difficult to use, so I finally found a new Samsung phone I liked without buying the newest latest model and spending money on features I never use, I ended up getting the Samsung S20 FE [2021] Lavender Cloud phone and I love it! I have transferred the data from my old phone to my new one and tried to transfer from the flip phone to new phone too, but the flip phone needs 396 MB data removed to be able to do this.

So, before I started putting up the pictures, I was working my way through deleting the messages on the flip phone up until when they stop on the new phone. I was outside watching the rain, having a cigarette and doing this, instead of writing in here, which I wanted to do, but am now realising in this moment that it really does just have to flow for me to actually benefit from writing all this stuff out. It really isn’t about you dear reader, but if anything, I say helps you in any way, then that makes me soul smile, and that helps me and puts a smile on my face thinking about it. I car hear the annoying neighbour’s kid on his dirt motorbike being an idiot because its loud, given it’s raining. He’s 12. Never wears protection. So dangerous. But I’ve reported them to the police. There really has been just so much going on and I’ve wanted to write all through it, but the darkness had its grip in me so bad, to the point, that I would not have helped anyone, and definitely not myself, since if I had written during those moments of total anguish, I know, I would have scared a lot of people. Yes, I am resilient. But’s there’s really only so much one person can take and I am a very highly sensitive person, I feel everything so extremely, so deep, that unless you’ve felt anything like it, no one can judge you for what it makes you do or think. Once again, my left wrist, between each of my tattoos are covered in healing scars. My other arm has one, but I couldn’t do anymore because of the tattoo, so I am very much looking forward to the butterflies being added to my arm around the large quote, once my back tattoo is finished; even ever that will be haha.  

I’m still working on the living room picture. Now all the double-sided tape is on it, and I just need to remove the backing and put it on the wall. What it funny, is that I have put it up before, and not all four sides are flat to the wall. I obviously thought it was the picture. It is not. The picture is perfectly flat, the wall is not. I mean, I know my home is literally falling down around me, but unless my landlords give me honest, which doesn’t seem likely in the coming future at all for a number of reasons that I’ll explain later, I won’t be moving. Not even my insanely annoying neighbours’ who bring out the worst in me, in the sense, that I have thoughts that do not align with what I believe e in, such as “I really wish someone would steal that annoying shit kid’s petrol push bike”. The kid is 12. 12! That should make me a monster. Is it does, right now, I truly don’t care. I literally just said these neighbours bring out the worst in me, but since they are about to be slapped with some pretty big fines, and my landlords are coming on the weekend (it’s currently 7:79 pm Friday night) to install more security, since I’ve let them know what’s going on with the neighbours and that I would like to feel extra safe. Or safer than I do now. I am happy to pay for whatever is needed, as I said to them, since this house is being knocked down at some point, which is why I get to live in it so cheaply and won’t move unless I actually have to. They haven’t mentioned anything about cost as yet but have said that everything will done by the end of the weekend so I’m happy.

Well as most of us probably know, with buying a new phone, comes needing to relog into everything, which sucks. Plus, I have to be super extra careful because this time I decided that even though I have never liked the heavy duty cases, I can no longer deny that I need to use one. So, I looked into the different options that I like and found the one I wanted. By the time I had figured everything out it was almost 2 am this morning ad I couldn’t figure out how to select where to pick it out from today, so I left it and ended up getting the phone this morning, but the case has to be delivered from the Geelong store, 55km away. It’s being sent express post and says it will be here by Tuesday, but with the lockdowns in place the post has been very delayed lately. So extra careful until the case arrives. Today has been a long day. And I still am no further along in my philosophy essay. Which currently sits at zero out 2400 words. Like I said to my uni friend, I’m still in the research phase. I have so much too do. My body is so sore and stiff. I want to have a bath, but since I made my tattooist my bubble buddy since I had no one else for various reasons, it ended up working out well considering she can’t’ work in lockdown, she lives alone and I live alone and I have so much work to be done, it’s a win win for both of us. I’ve been saving for my tattoos since I started working, and even though I am no longer working, getting my tattoos finished is very important to me. Savings for tattoos along with bond and the first few month’s rents for a new place, for whenever I’m given notice here. Thankfully I heal really fast when it comes to tattoos so it should hopefully only be couple more days, in fact, I messaged her this morning asking when I could, since I would really love soak in the tub, still waiting to hear back.

I am now very sleepy, and I think my bed will be nice and toasty now, so I’m going to login to WordPress so that I can post this as it is, at just 2555 words if you made it this far. Sending light and love to everyone as always, along with big hugs from me and Boss xxxx