Hopefully that makes sense. Or at least some. I am definitely going through a roller-coaster of emotions that’s for sure.

Obviously I know what it’s about. I don’t understand why. I already know. I know he is married and had at least one, more than likely two children, so I truly hate that I have to go through this again. Why am I going through this again?!?!? 🥺😥😭

I get it! I already knew it, I accepted it long ago, so why am I feeling this way again?! 😫

Seriously, it’s no wonder I am constantly questioning myself. What I believe is the most important thing in my life in the sense that it drives me to want to do better….

Wow just writing that shows me exactly how much I actually don’t live according to that belief 🤦‍♀️ hence why inwrite these blogs for myself.

Ok I’ll explain what I mean. I believe we as a species are evolving, or at least are meant to be. But we live in such a chaotic, hectic, sad,fear driven, money hungry, power obessed, must “fit in” and society obeying society that unfortunately boiled down to it basically means our world is all sorts of fucked up. People are waking up all the time. There are people here to help shake the core foundations of societal rules. You see these people popping up more and more thankfully. (Eventually I may actually add references in here but not now lol)

Mr X comes into it because it was what we went through that literally stared this huge set of ripples into action.. I can’t lie, because lying is something I just don’t ever want on my soul again, but some partnof me is so afraid to say it. To be 1000% real and raw and say what I have eluded to but pretty sure I’ve never just come straight out and said it is… but when I decided to quit ice, my sole motive at the time, all those years ago, was simply to get the love of my life back. That was all I cared about back then. Why did I think quitting ice would get him back? Especially since the last time I saw him he was still on it? Unfortunately I don’t have it in me to type all that out right now.

I have switched from the movie I need to watch for my assignments and put a Tool music video playlist on YouTube on my bedroom tv instead.

I have to get it out. All of it. I am sad. I do feel heartbroken, yet I have felt this feeling so many times. I guess I feel shame yup i definitely must become writing that has my whole body in goosebumps and tears pooling in my eyes. I feel so bad and guilty on days like this. When I feel so low and flat. I don’t want to be in love with another woman’s husband. Believe me I have tried everything. But this is real. This is still my life. So, I know I have to cry it out all over again, but at least this time I know I am ok. It really is hard to explain how I feel. There are no words for what I am feeling.

It’s times like these I remind myself that I started this blog, just like I have started everything since the decision to quit ice, ro help better myself. Hmm well we knownthats not true re what’s written above.

It’s days like this where I am very very aware of every single mental illness I have got and the strength it takes to keep everything in place when everything wants to crash through the walls and overwhelm me.

I talk of being present, yet I’m not sure that I ever am. The more aware I become the more disconnected I feel it would seem..

I love uni but haye the time pressure. The past couple days and especially today I have just been reminding myself to throw myself into my studies. I mean it will just be me and my dog in the end. Some of us know and accept this. I’m 35. I have no desire whatsoever to have children because well quite frankly the idea of either natural or c-sectiom birth crerps me out so I really am ok alone. I don’t get lonely. I definitely used too but that was before I completely felt at one with the world. Now the only time I really notice I’m alone is either when I’m sick because I’m a big sook when I feel unwell. Cold/fle wise I will clarify. I’ve lived in chronic pain most of my life. And I guess these lockdowns really show me how alone I am when not attending uni, or work in tje past year and half. Victoria, Australia has announced their 6th lockdown today. It’s already gone into effect at 8pm and will be imposed for the next 7 days. So 7 days to just throw myself completely into uni work since i have many assignments that need to be done, while studying and staying up to date with weekly content for exams. Jusy writing that sounds overwhelming to my poor, tired, sad self right now 😔

I have written pages of notes so far on the movie I have started but am definitely not doing anything more to do with uni tonight.

I need to figure something out to eat, which could very well end up being uber eats since i had challenged myself to eat everything I possibly could before buying more food. I did this because as a vegan, who doesn’t overly love to cook, who definitely doesn’t always have enough energy to cook, I tend to spend quite a lot of my groceries. Especially considering I only shop for me and Boss. Sebastian eats a rabbit once a month. Yet without fail I always spend at least $150-170+ and thats like every 10 days or so. Not even fortnightly. More like weekly 😳😆 so I haven’t been shopping in what feels like forever to me, and at 9:08 in the evening, honestly cannot be bothered to cook pasta.. i might get up and check uber eats at same time and see how I feel..

I definitely feel better than before I started writing this blog ♡