I tried to write that title a few times to get it shorter, but oh well haha

The lecture on Mood Disorders is currently playing in the background while I type this. I can hear it and am following along well enough considering my focus is obviously split right now.

I have been playing catch up all day. Well all day is really 1140 am when I woke up because I decided last night when I went to bed that I deserved a sleep in, so figured I’d leave my phone on silent, instead of setting an alarm.

Ok, I’ve paused my lecture because it turns out I cannot do both at once. Which I already knew so don’t even know why I said it.

Now back to why I needed to come here and write something in the first place. That photo of Mr X, his wife and their two children keep floating through my mind. I saw a number of photos. Two in particular I have been able to see clear as day in my minds eye since I first saw them.

I am happy for him. I truly am. But even I can hear how I might sound like I am trying to convince you, or myself, but I don’t think that is it. I truly do want him to be happy. I always have. Yes, it’s true that for many years, he was my reason to want to keep breathing. I have no other way of saying it except saying it like that. And then for years after I ended it, because I knew he would never tell me what was going on, which all these years later, I now know is that his wife had gotten pregnant. He honestly believed in the beginning she would ask for a divorce, but instead she had his children. Like I believe I have said in previous posts (I have started writing the Mr X story so many times and they all sit in my draft files, so I honestly am not sure what I have actually said or not right now) but I get why she did it. Why he did it. Why it all turned out this way.

I believe that we live in a Compatibilism Universe, well I must admit, I do keep getting drawn back to Determinism, but that removes everyone’s responsibility, which I do not agree with, ergo, I’m currently thinking compatibilism is the only real way to answer these contradictions between determinism and free will. No, I do no believe that every single person has complete and utter free will. The world in which we live shows us that everyday. Therefore, I believe everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to be. And yes, I am aware of how this statement may sound, and I have plenty to say on matters of the world, just not in this post. While I am on a side note, however, I will say, it is taking me a while to get used to being on a laptop that isn’t a macbook after 6 years.

Anyway, my point is, yes, I am like everyone else, I am human, I feel emotions, in fact as a highly sensitive person and empath, I feel emotions on a whole other level of intensity. Oh, come to think of it, having borderline personality disorder also adds to that, haha. Yes I am laughing. It’s been one of those days.

Hmm back to the point of this blog… these photos keep coming to mind, though I may have an idea why. I have spent years mourning him, coming to terms with the fact that I would never see him again. You see, we are exactly the same, but we are also each others mirror. He desperately wanted kids, I do not. And something he said to me right at the start of our story together, keeps playing in my mind at the moment. I’m absolutely positive he said this to me on our second night together.. we were on the couch, in each others arms, and he says “I have now found everything I was ever looking for. I found it, I experienced it, but I’m ok not to have it forever, because at least I know its real” or words to those effects.. you basically said knowing you had found everything you ever dreamed of was enough to last you your lifetime. Of course I was confused. And continued to be by so many things until I found out the truth after your wedding. I was never like you. Like Mr X. Why would I want to be with someone else when all I wanted was to be with him, and I could feel how much he loved me. I could feel it right from the start. As he could. Week three was when he told me he could feel how much I loved him.

Yet, I get why he did it. Why she did. Why it all happened. Sure, it has taken a very long time for me to get here. I couldn’t pretend what I lived through wasn’t real. Like it didn’t exist. Because it did. But it is a bigger part of my story, then I ever was of theirs. I know that. Mr X and I fought all throughout the rest of our affair about how he continued to lie to her and I continued to promise not to say anything and then would feel such guilt that I’d message her and tell her that he was with me anyway.

Fuck me that part of my life is so fucked up. But it happened. And now five years later, here we are. I am sitting at my desk writing on my online blog about my feelings, because, well, why not. I live alone, with my dog and my snake, and I love to share. I want to be a storyteller. A public speaker ,therapist and author. I was literally in the middle of a lecture on mood disorders for my psychopathology unit, yet was being distracted by photos of Mr X and his family in my head.

See, already, I feel better writing this all out. I very much used to become extremely upset when I learned new information about him. I guess for so long, I held on to the belief that he would get divorced. The last time I saw him, it will be five years come the 13th of August 2021, he was living with housemates. He could barely look me in the eye at all by this point and wasn’t himself at all. He was still on the ice, but I was two weeks off it at this point, and even said no to him, on what I intuitively knew would be the last time for a long time. Did I honestly believe that they would have kids? I mean I guess I should have given everything that happened and that his wife told me her self that “we share too many mutual friends for us to divorce”. But I didn’t want to believe they would have children, and know for sure that I would not have handled it at all if I had of found out way back then. I think I should have just really listened to how much these two were so happy to continue living like this for the rest of their lives. Sure, some of you might say that is just my bitter opinion, but, truthfully, I want no part of that version of Mr X. And honestly, even though everyone knows not to base anything off of photos on Facebook, I am choosing to believe that they are happy. Choosing to focus on the few good things Mr X said of his wife and what they were like together. I am not sure if I need to say this, but I will anyway, because I am the author, and people can’t read minds, but, Mr X and I discussed absolutely everything about our lives in great detail, including every single thing about their relationship from when they met, up until the day I found out they had gotten married, which was 10 days after the wedding. This being the first time I found out about her too. But we continued to see each other after that for a year. I know how bad it sounds, but in my life, she wasn’t real to me, but how much I loved him was.

It’s definitely much easier to just tell bits and pieces of the Mr X story that’s for sure. Anyway, I know Mr X will be an amazing dad, and by all accounts I know his wife will be an amazing mother too, so I do truly hope they are happy. That, since they did decide to stay together and have a family, that they were able to do, what I have, in my way, and something good out of all the bad that happened. Well, I guess that is shown in the two beautiful children they have. They really are a gorgeous family. I always told Mr X that is was apparent he gets better looking, more handsome, if that’s possible with age. I’m sure his wife notices and appreciates all that, but I assume she does. But I will shut up and stop reminiscing about him because ah fuck it’s 8:20 pm at night.

I’m pretty sure that writing this out has helped get them out of my head. What I meant before about not wanting this version of Mr X, it’s him being married. I would happily talk to him if he ever got divorced, but given that few bits I have said about him and his wife, I’m sure yo can all see and hear what I can, they will never get divorced. I have actually accepted this. Some time again. I also already knew he had a daughter, and had a suscipin he may have had a son too, wasn’t totally sure. Now obviously I am. I saw plenty of photos yesterday. His wife account used to be far more private, then it is now. Who knows, maybe she wants me to know they have two children. But I have no interest in breaking up a family.

In all fairness though, I do love this man. More than even I understand. Therefore, I have love for everyone connected to him. I do not feel bad thoughts or feelings about his wife, parents, or anyone. And have only had love for his children since I found out he had them. Whether it was one or more. Holding on to dark, painful thought’s only ever used to hurt me, so thankfully I learnt that letting go of those hurtful feelings, that weren’t aligned with the beliefs I actually have, was what I needed to do.

He and everyone else on his side, may have easily been able to sweep with under the rug like I didn’t exist, but on my side, he is literally the biggest catalyst there is. There is life before Mr X and life after Mr X. That entire section of my history, changed absolutely everything in my life moving forward.

But the main thing I focus on in life these days is that I am happy. Generally happy in everyday to day life. I love what I study. Sure I constantly question myself about why I always feel like I’m playing catch up but from everyone I spoken to at uni, that does seem to be common. Plus I do have a whole lot of stuff going on, mentally, emotionally and physically every day. Like right now. I stopped and made Vegemite on toast and a cup of peppermint tea. I had those while reading back through this post. Now I am just finishing it up so I can publish, before it ends up in the damn drafts like so many others hahaha

I am way too tired to keep watching lectures, so unlike last night, tonight, I will definitely be setting an alarm. Sending light and love to everyone xoxo