Slow in the sense that I keep having the same things go around and around in my head. I’ve cried so many times, I’ve lost track. I honestly am not even sure what I have published in regards to my mum arriving in the country two weeks ago. I made two videos on the evening that I last saw her, which didn’t end well. For some reason I did not want to upload them to the youtube channel created for this site, so tried to upload them directly to here. It did not work. When I watched the videos back I was happy and fine to share them because the entire point of my website is to tell my stories, and I am as real as you can get. I am a storyteller. Not all stories have happy endings unfortunately, so it goes without saying that not all my stories are good. To be honest, some of them I am pretty sure, for the sake of my personal identity and the fact that I do genuinely want to become a registered psychologist some day, I have realised I will not be able to share, for various reasons. I don’t believe in the society we live in. The world around us is insane. I am no longer the person I was in so many ways, and would not do anything to jeopardise my career in any way after the huge scare I already went through, earlier this year. Anyway, now I have overthought uploading the videos so much that it’s like I’m stuck in limbo with those, so now, instead I am writing it out. I believe most people prefer to read, over watching videos anyway. At least on this platform from what I can tell.

I have recently realised, in fact I think it was last night, that I have been so irritated and annoyed at my mum and even my close uni friend who is an amazing support, but usually irritates the f*ck out of me when I’m low vibrating. Anyway, I realised that I have been getting angry and upset because on some level they are both right. About two very completely different things, which I will explain.

Mum has been on my back for so long about my medical cannabis. She constantly tells me that I am taking it incorrectly and that it is only for medicating, not getting stoned. To which I have basically answered the same way, which is that yes that is true, but the side effect from vaping weed is that you do get stoned. And I always tell her that I am prescribed to take one or more inhalations every 10 minutes up until 2 grams a day. I smoke roughly 0.5-0.7 a day. Though I must admit I barely vape during the day, especially when studying, and usually just enjoy my evening smoking a few bongs. But it was only last night that it truly hit me. Mum is right. I do not smoke it the way it says at all. I know I can’t tolerate to vape the amount it says and still study but I decided last night that I was going to ask my mate if he would babysit all of my smoking equipment, except for my vape, until after the exams at the end of the trimester. I need to be evenly spreading it out throughout the day, to a) actually help my pain, and b) keep me a lot calmer without needing to take as much Valium. My friend is happy to watch them, so I have cleaned everything and packed up everything besides the one bong I am using today. I chopped the very last bit of my first home grown stuff and have separated it for tonight and tomorrow night, and hopefully a little on Friday, but after this no more bongs, or joints, just the vape.

Last night after having a few bongs I sat down at my desk and completed one of the learning objectives (LOS) and realised that I actually can work fine in that state, and like I said, this was after a few bongs, and those I am giving to friend in a couple of days until the end of trimester two exams, roughly 13 weeks from now. I have to focus and stay on top of all content. So two nights ago I decided I wanted to spend all of yesterday studying and working on the first weeks LOS, since classes start back next week. I am doing three units this trimester. It’s been ages since I did three units at once. This is my 5th year of doing my degree. After this trimester I will have two left over which I am enrolled to do over the summer break. Exams for that are in February next year. The results for last trimesters units get released sometime on Thursday the 8th around 5:30pm to 6pm. I have never felt more unsure of something before, or at least in a very long time. I barely have any memories from taking the psychology exam. This is due to the massive panic attack that happened not long after it started. It honestly felt like my mind shut down during that time, and all I really remember is frantically trying to scan notes, not understanding, and the timer just steadily counting down until it was flashing at me with 30 seconds left to go. It needs to be submitted within that time. I believe I may have written about this since it happened. Anyway, because of this, I am very nervous about Thursday night.

So my alarm went off at 8am yesterday morning in the kitchen to ensure I got up. I turned the heat on, made coffee and then breakfast while I worked on the LOS. After this I had a shower and got dressed and went back to my desk. I worked hard, and was doing well, until, as my uni friend would (and has) said, an intrusive thought must have crossed my mind. Obviously I was not aware of it. But then I started to feel bad. Like.. “why was it 2pm and I was only on question 6 of the LOS? how slow am I? Why does everything always take so long? am I doing this wrong? I must be doing this wrong. this is too hard, and I don’t want to do it anymore”. Thank goodness it’s only the pre unit first open week before classes start next Monday. But I let the thoughts swallow me and I went and lay on my couch and watched ‘The Good Doctor’ on free to air streaming (first three seasons are on Netflix. It’s so good!). I definitely went through an emotional rollercoaster. Probably because by this point I was in so much pain and yet hadn’t vaped anything at all. And had told myself I wouldn’t. My friend asked me who that was helping trying to prove a point to my mother, to which I told her my mother didn’t know. Yet I just felt, like I don’t even know how to describe it. This nothingness feeling. Thankfully I was able to pull myself out of it. I got up around 5- 5:30pm and decided I would do some more work on the LOS. I did some, then sort of went “ah f*ck it” in my head and poured a vodka and orange juice. I then managed to get a bit done. After this I spoke to my friend via WhatsApp. She was the one who helped me realise that I was only hurting myself by staying in pain instead of having a smoke. So I finally had some at about 7:30pm last night. But it was the fact that instead of just having a vape to help my pain, I chopped an actual mix (vape is straight weed. bong is mixed 80/20 weed/tobacco) and smoked three bongs straight after one another that made me instantly aware in that moment, what I had done, and realised it is because I save smoking to the evening mostly, and usually smoke bongs, that I need to stop doing this. I really truly do love what I am studying and genuinely want to be successful in the field so that I can help others, along with myself. I mean, I am fairly certain I will stay single forever given how much I already love someone else. Truthfully feeling constantly connected to his Higher Self brings me far more love and happiness than trying to convince myself I can be in a long term relationship with someone else, because I can’t. But I also no longer enjoy random sex with a sex friend or whatever. I’ve had more than enough sex with more than enough men to last me a lifetime. The only person who can make me come as good as my toys, is the one I love. He was able to get me off just by whispering sweet nothings into my ear. So I’m happy with where I am at in regards to that. Obviously it goes without saying then that I will not be nor do I want to have kids. I can step parent perfectly well, and have all the love in the universe for so many people, but you can’t have kids while having sex with vibrating toys thank god! haha

Anyway, where was I.. so yesterday I was talking to my uni friend in the evening and she was asking about the thoughts that come before the soul crushing pain, and I kept telling her there weren’t any. Not that I could subconsciously recall. I always get irritated and cranky when she says this stuff. Last night I realised why. Because she is saying back to me what I clearly need to hear, but have been too annoyed to actually listen too. Somewhere along the way I got a bit lost and have gone back to bad habits from the past. Habits I thought I was done with long ago. But clearly I wasn’t. I have been listening to the voice in my head saying all the negative things.. such as..”I’m not smart enough, I’m not retaining enough information. I’m a fraud. Someone will soon find out, what will I do? Why do you keep trying when you are always failing? you are literally failing at life”, at least that was the take away from what my mother said on the first day I saw her. But last night I became aware when I started hearing these thoughts. I stopped and fully pulled myself into the present and listened to what it was saying. And this time I realised I didn’t feel connected to these thoughts. I felt like I have pulled myself out of far worse situations, so I can and will succeed with what I want to do. I just have to keep reminding myself that I ultimately went to university to learn, not to get a job. Though I obviously want to work, but that is not the end gaol. Knowledge is. By reminding myself of this, it has lifted a lot of pressure that I could feel within me. I ended up getting up to Q9 out of the 15 LOS last night and I was really proud of myself. As my friend said, we are not required to start this week. Classes start next week. I am choosing to help myself get a head, which will help when working on multiple assignments down the track.

So today I got up at 8am, because I didn’t fall asleep until after midnight last night and do need at least 8 hours of sleep minimum if possible. I starting reading the textbook while having coffee. Then decided to go buy a packet of cigarettes (I have quit so many times, I’m not sure why I am doing it again, but thats not for today) and then took Boss to the dog park. There was no one there but we had fun. He definitely wore himself out. He has been passed out on the couch since we got home. I must admit I had planned to study all day today, but when I got back from the park, I decided to clean my bongs, because I didn’t want them sitting dirty for so many weeks on end. I also wanted to fill the vape dosages with some of the prescribed weed I still have left in my fridge. I only had one bud left from what I grew and when weighed it was only 1.98 grams. So I chopped it all, put one cigarette with it and then spilt it into two containers. I figured why not have a couple, and then go do some uni work. I still plan to do this but I think I’m going to rest and watch an episode of The Good Doctor first instead. I only have two left then I’ve finished the season and there are currently only four seasons to watch so I’ll be finished this show by today.

Well it’s now 2:56pm on Tuesday the 6th of July 2021, my doctor is calling me at 4pm, since I also decided last night to make a phone appointment to ask her about increasing my mood stabilizing medication. I’ve been on it before years ago when first diagnosed with BPD and was taking 1400mg of the medication. I am now only on 200mg. So I’m going to ask to increase it, because I am over feeling this fragile and so easily close to tears. Crying is good, don’t get me wrong, a good cry is exactly what I need sometimes, but what I’ve been dealing with lately, this feeling, I’m ready to try and help let it go. I know I am doing enough. I do. I just now have to figure out how to truly accept it, and bring it deep within my core to help the very scared frightened child within me. A child who just wants her mum. Thankfully mum’s mood has come round, and the last few days at my sisters have been better. Mum is talking to me again, so I am meeting them for lunch, before mum needs to go get covid test to prove she is safe to travel tomorrow afternoon. I thought I was seeing them Thursday but now I’m not sure. My friend is free to come over Thursday evening if I’m not seeing them, so I don’t have to be alone when I receive my university results. Though mum is leaving on Saturday morning, so I will either only see her one more time tomorrow, or go both Wednesday and Thursday, or tomorrow and then meet them at airport early Saturday morning. I guess I’ll just see what happens. But for now, this blog is finished and I want to put my computer away for a bit. Until next time, sending light and love to everyone 🙂