Since I can’t watch Netflix unless it involves getting out of bed and going into my very cold, very quiet, dark house, where I am all alone, with the voice in my head telling me of how much of a fuck up i truly am. and its strange you know, coz, i don’t actually hear this voice, its just a feeling. its a feeling so strong, and so dark, and so soulless, that it takes absolutely everything i’ve got not to hurt myself. and truthfully, i realise something a little while ago. after the last post. the knifes make me calm. well sometimes just calmer not calm, but today it seems to have helped. I didn’t cut myself per say, just held onto the knife in my palm, tightly closed. That and a lot of weed. i cannot and do not want to get out of bed. so I am taking this as the universe really doesn’t want me to work. let face it, i have was too many of my own problems to ever actually help anyone else. I can’t even help myself in these moments. But at least this helps. somewhat. I guess I know if someone i know decides they want to fuck with me they can try to use this website against me. but at the point where I’m at, I’m honestly just like, so what. I life my based on if ok with what I’m going to do being shared. I mean i share everything. if I cant write it here, it means its bad, ergo, don’t it. whatever it is.

This song list is making me smile. its so many years ago. i made it when i actually did try to kill myself. that was a terrifying story. not one i can think about given where I am currently am. all i can feel is this feeling of… once again.. just being yourself, fucked you up. literally just being me. react wrong. i talk wrong. i do everything wrong as far as I can tell. I always have. i think its time to finally accept (again!!!!!) that I am the fuck up. I honestly thought Id been through this, but clearly not enough.

I truly want to run away and live alone in the woods somewhere, maybe with a nice lake, and never see and speak to anyone except via this again. Clearly I fuck up in real life. the evidence is piling up. No way not to take it personally now.

Johnny Cast – Hurt is playing.. brilliant song.. i will always remember what Mr X said about this.. “I’ll always think of you when I hear this song”… well I’m way too emotional and low to think about him right now, because in his life I no loner exist. it has to be that way. i would have made the exact same decisions he did, i wish he knew that. back then, i would have done it too. and look at what you got out of it.. a beautiful daughter. You always wanted kids, so I’m happy for you, i am. I send you all love.

But right now I feel so numb. all of this did start because of Mr X. I cant deny that. It is the truth. but the truth has changed a long the way. But yesterday was a day like no other. Just thinking about it makes me stop breathing and my heart start pounding..

It’s that feeling of, feeling so completely out of alignment. Like what the actual fuck?!?!?!

I wrote an essay on writing vs speech! the two very literally things that effect me in my life because of the kind of person I am. Yet the paper wasn’t written like how a true philosophy paper should have been. I honestly been i am one at heart, yet university puts this kind of stress on me these days that I honestly just don’t think i can handle for the next 8 to 10 years to do the degrees I want. Plus now with what happened yesterday, I don’t know how to forgive myself. i have never ever felt like that before an exam before. I honestly can’t explain it.

I honesn’t do know what to do. My uni friend is trying to help me to feel better but is only making me feel worse. i guess i can see from that that i need to never ever give advice again. only to myself. if i even listen to me. who the fuck knows.

I cannot believe that in the moment in honestly feels like I have lost absolutely everything. And I am well aware that I have BPD so do not need to be told that I am catastrophizing ..

Ah the song Mr X told me for so long that he wanted his bride to walk down the aisle to at their wedding, is playing now.. it always brings mixed emotions, given he looked me in the eye over and over again (including after he got married!- but thats another story!) that he was single..

When i let only snippets of that story out, I do wonder who many people think i must be crazy? If it helps, his words were “you’re delusional” hahaha I wish I knew hoe to do emojois on my computer haha

I think it’s time to stop telling stories, and go smoke some more weed and then maybe read reddit or look for a movie on my hard drive.

University holidays, and I have no clients (so effectively job), and no desire to do anything. I really did have so much passion, but timers, and deadlines, and constantly feeling like I am always failing at every single thing I do, has me rethinking absolutely everything in my life.

And since in reality I am actually ‘alone’ besides, Boss, and Sebastian, but he’s not the same.. I am going to stay in bed because getting up only reminds me how alone I am, and that now, there isn’t even the passion, want or desire to strive for my career, because I fucked that up too.. so yeah..