So i’m sorry for all the mistakes there might be

I feel like my world has been turned upside once again, and it wasn’t that long ago that that happened.

And now all i can think about is Mr X telling me that everyone in his life believed he was a fuck up. his words. and he gave me so many examples. Obviously i told him many many times that he wasn’t a fuck up at all. that sometimes people do fuck up and it doesn’t make them one.

Wish i could feel what i believe. when i am happy and in good vibes and flowing through life nicely everything feels great. But times like this, its almost as if can see the box with all the good feelings and beliefs i have, i can see it in my mind and yet i cannot reach it.

All i can feel is this gut wrenching intensely excruciating pain that makes me want to pick up a knife and slash myself every time it happens. But its happening in waves. the only way to outrun them is to sleep. i slept all day until 4pm, only to waken to remember everything that has happened, the intensity of pain, and failure to come rushing back, and to then find out that NZ have changed their rules for flight to Melbourne because of covid, and the ban lifts at 11:59pm of the day my mum was meant to arrive! so now her flight has been cancelled, and no one knows when she will be rebooked, and may need to go via Auckland. My mu m is 69 I think. 70 this year maybe, close to anyway. she was meant to come last year for easter and the flights were cancelled only days out due to the virus.

And now all i want to do is lie in bed and watch Netflix but because my computer had been glitching and I restarted it on friends advice, nothing is logged in or seems to be working anymore. I spent hours on the phone with Uni IT the night before the exam because of major syncing issues and access to notes etc..

and now I am not sure i have it in me to try and reconnect the laptop to the anycast because it always takes so long and so much patience and honestly right now I have only just stopped crying at this paragraph 😦