Because I was just becoming far too emotionally connected to it and losing myself in the process.

This happens when I become so overwhelmed with what I am studying that my mind just goes blank. I know all my doctors and therapists have at one stage or another told me I am a perfectionist, something I have never consciously agreed with, yet can’t help now see that they were all right. I had to explicitly remind myself that my worth is not determined by a grade.

I don’t want to be like this. The pressure I subconsciously put on myself is enough to literally bring me to tears. I’ve cried over my philosophy essay twice today so far.

Something has changed within me though and it feels like a good change. Now I am recognising the thoughts and feelings of despair, hopelessness and failure, far quicker than before. This in turn means that I am able to implement new coping strategies to help stop myself from rapidly spiralling down into the nothingness and instead am able to see when I need to stop what I am doing and take a break.

Which is exactly what I have had to do regarding my essay on Derrid’s Deconstruction. From watching a number of clips on YouTube, I have seen that I have obviously forgotten or misinterpreted a crucial aspect of what my paper is about, so that at least explains in some sense why I’m struggling so much.

So, I have decided to just walk away from it all for at least an hour. During this break I plan on watching an episode of Lucifer, that is provided I can keep my eyes open. I guess I better set an alarm 🥱😄