Ok, so I talk about learning lessons all the time. Probably because at the real heart of it all, I believe everything is one. In some way or another. We all make the choices we do for a number of different reasons, this is true, but I believe we live in a ‘Compatibilist Universe’, otherwise known as ‘Soft Determinism’. Basically this means that we live in a relatively Deterministic Universe, and that our ‘Free Will’ isn’t really “free” at all. Well it’s very limitedly free. This is an extremely large philosophical belief that I have spent a very very long time figuring out for myself and what it is I actually believe in and why. My beliefs are mine. I have pulled apart every single belief I have ever had and re-examined everything I once believed in.

And I guess it is because of this, that these feelings I have been experiencing, hurt in such extreme severe ways. Because what I believe, is not aligning with my actions, more my reactions. This means that ultimately the lower vibrational part of me that is so absolutely afraid of everything and is still too afraid to fully let go and allow my beliefs to help me get through scary situations, which is what this was, without the intense fear. I guess, just like everything else I have had to learn, I clearly had to learn this on a huge scale for it to actually sink in. Believe me, a whole bunch of lessons have been learnt and sunk in, in some not fun ways, over the past week. Thankfully, I can say, that I did not resort to harming myself, and actually called the National Crisis Hotline (not the one that I once worked at- another blog/story). I cried more than I have cried since finding out Mr X lied to me about having had a child a year and a bit ago. So a lot.

I have to admit though that throughout all this intense pain, sorrow and anguish, there had been this underlying feeling of ‘maybe it will be ok..’ I will share a photo of what is currently written on my kitchen whiteboard along with this blog, showing what I wrote to myself when the nightmare at work begun. It’s just really unfortunate that I had to experience all of this and absolutely every single that I have had to, that has hurt me this badly, to be able to help teach me and heal me. So in that sense, unfortunate isn’t even the right word, but I’m not totally sure what is. It’s all a lesson. My mantra for years has been “love vs fear – which do you choose?” .. I choose love every single time. It’s just that, like I’ve said, I’m not always aligned within myself. It is definitely something I am working on and will continue to work on, learning more about me, why I do the things I do, probably for as long as I live. I would just like to be able to put this to good use and still go after my dreams, no different to before.

It’s just that the “unknowing” has never been something I’m very good with. It’s one of my biggest lessons actually. I’ve known this for years. And there is also the fact that even though I have worked extremely hard on bettering myself, I still do live with borderline personality disorder, bipolar and the rest, meaning that I do feel things very intensely. I am what you would call a highly sensitive person. And the not knowing if being terminated could result in me having my name put on a worker’s check list that could stop me working people in health sector again, you know what the current double degree I am doing, and the post grad degrees I want to study are in relation to, had me just honestly feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Especially since I tried googling everything I could on Google but could not figure out the answer to what I was trying to figure out.

I screwed up so bad, in a way, that I will honestly just shake my head at what I did, for the rest of my life. I believe the Universe sends us the same lesson over and over again in different ways until we actually learn it. Unfortunately for me, I am one of those people that seem to have to make the same mistakes over and over again until I actually learn them in really big profound ways. I have no idea if it because of the fact that I have borderline personality disorder, bipolar, dissociation, depression, anxiety disorder and so many other conditions that causes my ego (lower vibrational part of me, I associate the ego to one’s lower self. Another blog is already being written to explain my beliefs in detail) and its hated for this world and the fear I have had my whole life, that I have to learn all major lessons in such profound ways.

Though I can’t help but wonder if it’s because of the fact that I am so ok with being completely 1000% open about myself and truly believe I am meant to become a public speaker in a storytelling kind of way, that I am learning things in such multiple dimension levels, to enable me to help a larger range of people eventually. I have joked for years, well, since starting this journey to become a better person, that I will end up with a one woman show, titled ‘What not to do, based on what Dr Libby PhD learnt the hard way’. I guess I am so comfortable with sharing everything I have been through in my life, if there is any chance I can help another person, plus sharing for me, is my most vital medicine. I can’t explain it, but I learn so much by writing blogs or making videos where I talk to myself and an invisible audience. I mean, I kicked a daily ice habit through only using google to research what I needed to know about how it was effecting me, and will be 5 years clean off it in July 2021, without ever having stepped foot into a rehab or doctors clinic or anything at all. I needed to do it for myself. Because I knew that if I was to try to go on a waiting list for a detox place or rehab, that I would more than likely give up before I made it in. So I decided to just do it, the mind over matter, strong will power kind of way. I believed if I could do this, having smoked the amount of ice I did for the number of years I did, that there was every chance I could help other people do it too.

Back to today. The further away from the incident that has lead to this reckoning in my life, the more dump I feel. Like how could I let this happen. I am glad to say though that this feeling of stupidity is not nearly as bad as it has been recently. Which is really good, because even up until I started writing this blog, just thinking about it was still taking my breath away and making my heart pound.

I do have to be honest and say though, to me, the strangest part this whole mess, and I even told Gossey my friend who came with me today, who has known me for 10 years and been in my life since before, during and after Mr X, so is aware of everything that happened between us, that it hit me in the shower on Sunday evening when I was finally able to do some self care for myself, after a day of the most intense pain crushing me like I was the stupidest person in the world, and it hit me, this must have been what Mr X felt like when I decided to teach him a lesson in not lying to me or doing the wrong thing by me. This was after “the truth came out” which is what I refer to that time in my life as, so yeah I taught him a very public lesson during the time he was in my life roughly 6 years ago.

Since he and I are very much on a life path that actually mirrors each others in many ways, I understand that we are both here to learn some massive lessons, and that we have already and will continue to experience how each other has felt in certain situations. I made him hurt because he hurt me. Back then I was a very different to person to who I am now. Back then, I didn’t believe in ‘an eye for an eye’, I believed in ‘two eyes for one’ i.e, if you [whoever it may be] want to screw with me that is on you, but you better believe me when I tell you I am actually incredibly smart and will not only do in return what you do to me, but it will definitely be twice as bad, so it’s just not worth it. I am obviously not this person anymore, but I definitely used to be and openly warned everyone exactly what I was like. I mean, I barely left my house, didn’t work due to being on disability and smoked ice all day so I had a lot of free time.

So basically the thought that struck me in the shower was that now I am experiencing what I can only imagine what he must have felt when I did what I did to him. All Mr X stories will be told, and I’ve actually started a few of them, but that’s a long story to try and tell. Anyway, I have never lived through what I did to him, because well, its was extremely wrong, I’m guessing highly illegal and completely humiliating to him, and yet I honestly thought it was the funniest thing in the world at the time and told him he had absolutely no one to blame but himself for what had happened. That I had warned him, and loving him, wouldn’t change the fact that I believed he needed to learn. Now I very much know exactly what it feels like to learn what I can really only call a humiliating lesson. Because it all arose from pure exhaustion that lead to a major lapse in judgement, causing a snowballing effect of many things going wrong one after the other. Leaving me unable to stop catastrophizing that I have somehow ruined my entire life and am going to end up on some sort of blacklist or something that will stop me from being able to become a registered psychologist in my future. That has been the underlying thought that has caused the most grief.

So now here I am, in the present day, finally feeling like I can breathe almost correctly for the first time in a week. Almost in the sense that until I actually get the final verdict, I am still going to have anxiety. Thankfully, it’s just not as extreme as it has been this past week. It’s only 3:52pm on Tuesday the 11th May 2021, but it feels way later. It’s been raining off and on today so my curtains are pulled closed, my ducted heating is on and I am sitting on my couch with The Weekend playing on YouTube on my tv in front of me, my philosophy readings, lecture slides and notebook and pens etc next to me while I write this blog.

I haven’t actually decided what I am going to do today once I finish writing this. I did say to Gossey on the car ride home that I didn’t think I had it in me to do any uni week even though I know I need to. I do have a medical certificate for one week extension, as well as my disability plan in place at university that allows me to ask for 2 week extensions without medical certificates, miss classes, extra time at exams, and I never have to be in a room with more than 10 people when sitting an exam on campus. My entire life, I have suffered from extreme anxiety in exam conditions. Gymnasiums full of hundreds of people taking an exam honestly makes my heart start pounding just thinking about it to write it. I was a great student when I was younger but the exams always killed me. I never even graduated from high school in the end.

Anyway, where was I. Today was the disciplinary meeting for work. I am not sure that I actually want to go into the details though, because even though I write under the name ‘Libby’, I have said I’m in Melbourne Australia and I do post pictures and videos, so I am not going to go into what happened in any kind of detail. What I will say is that I fucked up. What happened was on me. And I took full responsibility for that. I did however, explain that there were a number of different factors that lead up to what happened. The lapse in judgement was mine, since I am the paid employee so I accepted this, even though none of what happened actually happened at work, because it didn’t. It happened after I had worked both a day shift with my new client in a wheelchair, as an emergency fill in since the worker who was meant to do it cancelled last minute and even though I said no a number of times, since I was working the night shift, I still somehow ended up working the day shift, as well as the night shift and then the Saturday early morning shift. I was exhausted, in pain myself, and feeling guilty for letting someone down by cancelling, and this is what lead to the fuck up occurring.

I have been a crying anxious mess, feeling seriously intense soul crushing feelings of despair, pain, self hatred and stupidity at myself for the past week. So many lessons. I was tested in the biggest way ever and I can honestly say even after all the years of work I have done, the new uplifting, high vibrating, Source inspiring, connection of Oneness and the belief I have in the Universe, I was still unable to rise above any of the soul crushing feelings I was feeling. When they would hit, they would double me over in pain and anguish and I would just cry and scream in so much pain. It’s weird, it’s been some time since I have felt that kind of pain and despair within myself. My suicidal ideation went through the roof. It’s really hard hearing a voice in your head saying this on repeat, like a broken record that won’t shut up.. “you have enough medication in the house to kill a few people Libby, so why don’t you just take the pills already” all while negativing everything my mind is throwing at me about why, no matter how hard I work, or try, or want to help myself, and then others, that it’s really all for nothing because I am clearly a very stupid person and I just didn’t truly realise it until now.

Thankfully I have also had a lot of support though this. My mum even messaged yesterday to tell me she’s sending me well wishes for the meeting today and that she loves me. This is honestly probably the fastest turn around for my mum, so that shows progress and was very happy to hear from her.

It is now 7:30pm. I am not sure how all these hours have disappeared, so I am going to finish up this blog by saying that the meeting went as well as it could have. The operations manager was extremely nice and explained everything in great details. Finally being able to at least ease my mind in regards to the workers screening check. If I do end up being fired, then they will have to let the workers screening check people know. These people will then have to do their own enquiry. What this basically means, is if I end up on this list, I will no longer be able to work people people through the National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS). This does not however, appear to have any effect of anything other than working as a support worker in the disability field. Obviously I really don’t want to end up on this, but at least I feel like at least I haven’t totally destroyed everything I’ve worked so hard for, so that’s a plus. The woman who took the meeting, asked me what I would likely like the outcome to be. I said that even though I will fully accept if I lose my job, ideally I would like to be giving a strict written warning, be able to go back to my night shifts with my client, and hopefully potentially start being able to speak in front of courses about the work we do which was my new innovate idea that I had just pitched to the CEO before this mess started and he loved it. I was meant to be dealing with the operations manager about making that a reality, so said ideally, I would really just like to be able to show somehow that I truly have learnt this lesson 10000% over and never ever again will I ever cross another boundary again. I now completely accept and more importantly, understand, why they are in place. This is not a lesson I believe I will ever have to live through again.

So that is where I am at. I am glad the meeting is over and that I walked out of there feeling a lot better than I thought I would. I am truly exhausted now though, as these blogs can take some time to write, and I usually take a few breaks as I write them. Now I’m going to figure out what to eat and watch some Netflix and relax. I have been told I will be notified by the end of the business day tomorrow what the outcome is, which is good. Especially since she originally said the end of the week. But regardless of the outcome, at least I know I can get on with my studies and that it’s not all for nothing.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading x