The amount of times this thought goes through my head. Far too often. More than you’d like. It happens when my inner critic sees me as having failed something, done something wrong, or just plain ol fucked up in any and all ways. When the feeling that I am feeling, usually sinister in these occasions, takes over and I can’t feel anything else. No amount of visualising the good, higher vibrational, higher self, calm version, actually does anything during the moments when I feel like I’ve been sucker punched in the guts and I cant breathe and all I can do is cry. Cry like I was literally breaking apart.

The past couple of weeks I have felt strange. Not like myself. Like I keep making really dumb stupid mistakes. Yet I seem to keep doing them. Or at least that is how it has been feeling. But this episode, the one that honestly brought me visions of cutting myself, something I have only done twice in the past 5 years. The last time I did it, I did it on my right thigh and now I have all these scars crossing over each other with the faintest words I HATE under them. It was the last time I have been triggered by something to do with Mr X, and well, unfortunately, I didn’t handle it very well, which lead to one of the biggest setbacks I’ve had since starting my journey to be the best version of me I can be.

Thankfully along with that setback came a lot of good, like being able to finally grieve him, and let go of the belief that we are destined to reunite with each other. I know it may not seem like it in my blogs, but I have let him go. Letting someone go does not automatically mean you stop loving them. I fell in love with him the night we met. I knew he was the one I had been dreaming about my whole life that night. He was me and I was him, and neither of us could believe just how exactly alike we are. He was honestly convinced I must have had to have stalked him to know what I did about him. But I didn’t know anything about him, I was just talking about myself. That’s how uncanny it is regarding everything about us being so similar. Oh that memory brings a smile to my face. But I have very much gotten off topic.

[Had a video call with my psychologist. Just over an hour has passed in between writing the above section and what follows]

Ok, so I just finished my video appointment with my psychologist. Talk about perfect timing for that. Yes I can see that it is. I wish I could connect to the versions I see in my head in regards to reacting the ‘right way’. And I write it like this, because I understand that everyone has their own right way. I just know how I currently act is not mine. And the fact that I’m so very aware of it is what kills me. Because in the moment, I always react the wrong way, or that is at least how it feels.

I know why I get mad I think, or maybe I do. It’s because i don’t “practice what I preach”. Though I’d be the first to say I’d don’t preach, yet have a feeling those who know me would beg to differ. Probably because I’m very honest about my belief in subliminal messaging. I mean it happens all around us in the form of ads and advertisements and marketing. It’s everywhere. I happen to practice the art of bringing others up and helping to educate and teach without actually “preaching”. Currently I’m no longer sure I think there is a difference. No, I do, but there’s a fine line.

So this whole meltdown started over a grade. A grade at university that I chose to go to, I choose to stay at, I want to learn from, and yet cannot not for the love of god figure out how to take my own advise. I guess it’s a lot like when I understood ‘Oneness’ yet didn’t actually feel it. Or abundance. Same theory applies. Yet I understand the ‘right way’ to react and yet today proves I am still unable to connect to it. Which now shows me exactly what I’ve been missing when I’m feeling good and talking to others. So yeah, I guess that’s lesson number one learnt.

The reason I fell apart wasn’t so much the grade itself as it was the realisation that I’d done it again. Done what, you may ask, well, not trust myself, that’s what. The one thing I value higher than anything else. I should really start reading these blogs back over before submitting any further assignments. I just keep making the same dumb fucking mistakes. Which is what I heard on repeat in my head for over an hour and a half from the time I received the email with the results and the time my psychologist phoned me.

I don’t understand why I keep feeling so bad. Like the reaction I had was like I had actually failed the assignment. Which I did not. Yet it was all that I could feel. The feeling was so deep and dark and it was sucking me in. Easily too, since this is the exact same lesson I went through on the first assignment. The exact same. No wonder I felt like cutting. Pure failure right there. That’s all I could feel. And so the tears came. They consumed me. They ate me up. I called my psychologists office to let them know to get her to video call me as I could no longer make it in. I was crying so much that the poor girl was so worried she asked me multiple times if I needed to call emergency and if I was safe. I reassured her that ‘d be fine, I just needed her to call me, and that I would make it until 5pm. I didn’t mean to scare here, but was told she was quite worried.

I can’t change the fact that I fucked up my grade by not trusting myself once again. I know this. This is exactly what I would say to a friend if they were upset like I was. In fact my uni friend did say all these things to me. She told me all the right things, and basically said exactly what I would say if the roles had been reversed. And it’s almost as if in that moment, I realised that sometimes it really just doesn’t help. My friend was very kind to me considering how badly I can behave during a meltdown, and that is exactly what this was. Thankfully she has never seen it in person, and I pray that she, and no one else ever does again. At least, not extreme ones. Normal breakdowns are ok. As my therapist says we are all human. Humans make mistakes.

I think I pissed my mum off as well, since she just couldn’t understand why I was reacting as badly as I was given the fact that I got 75%. I am fully aware that 75% is a great mark. I am always extremely happy for all of my friends for whatever grade they get. But when I went through the list of answers and saw that I did lose marks on the question I changed right at the last minute after being so positive of it for two weeks, I was devastated. I made these changes due to a few comments on the discussion board, my friend questioning why I had answered the way I had and thinking I had over complicated it, and after asking my own question about it and receiving the answer. In the moment I even remember saying something to myself along the lines of ‘are you sure you want to do this, you were so sure before’ and yet I changed it anyway. And it is this knowing, this thought that keeps bringing me to tears, even as I write this, I want to cry. Right now though, I am far too stoned and truthfully want to wrap this blog up so I can go make something to eat and go watch Netflix in bed.

What is the moral of my story ? Today that is a very good question.

I know I need to trust myself. I know this. I need to trust myself. Say it with me.. I need to trust myself.. Omg I am going to literally have to repeat this over and over and over again at this rate, since I’ve been learning this lesson for so many years now. I guess right now, I just have to believe that I’ve got this and that everything is exactly as it’s meant to be and that it will all always be alright in the end.

I just re read the title of this blog. That thought does go through my head a lot, this is true, but the main difference now, is that I can pull myself out of it so much faster than these. Sure I did cry for a number of hours. And get mad at myself and honestly feel like absolute shit during that time, and yes even visions of cutting came back, but the most important thing is.. I did not follow through. I put what i have learnt into practice. I spoke to my psychologist. I have written a blog. Spoken to friends. Done things to help me. Sure I’m having a glass of wine and have had a few cones, but they are definitely the lesser of two evils. And since weed is prescribed to me these days, it’s a given.

I am choosing to accept what has happened. All of it, including the breakdown, and keep the faith that I can figure this out. Life that is. This thing we’re all doing. But right now it’s time for food and to not have to think. Sending light and love to everyone. Even me. I love you.

PS: I was just messaging a friend, I realised that right before the email with the results came through, I had the overwhelming feeling pass through me that I needed to cry. Guess my Soul knew this was coming ahead of time x