I dont know what is happening but lately I just haven’t felt like myself. I’ve been distracted and unable to take much in and just feeling out of sorts.

I was up at 7am to start on school work. Been at my desk all day except for brief visit from friend this morning. Had planned on going to buy some track pants as I am starting with a new client on Saturday night and have been advised to wear trackies. I had planned on doing this this afternoon before I go to my final psychology appointment before my psychologist goes on maternity leave.

I was just finishing up what I was doing and getting ready to go out when an email from biological psychology unit chair came through giving me the results of my last assignment. The one I worked on for so long. The one I was only unsure of the last question. There was one other question I wasn’t totally sure about but felt very confident. This was until I read the discussion board and studied with uni friend who got 100% on last assignment. So I changed my answers for the question I wasn’t totally sure of. Well I got it wrong. I would have got it right if I had just left it. Im sure of it. So my total is 15/20 =75%. And yet all I have done since receiving this result is cry. I am literally crying as I type this.

I feel so unbelievably dumb and angry at myself. I know better than anyone to trust my instinct. But I didn’t. And I feel like I just keep making so many dumb stupid mistakes. I want to aim.fpr a Doctorate and yet I’m crying over getting 75%. I know 75 is a good mark and I would be happy for my friends if they received it but because I know I probably would have gotten 17/20 if I just trusted myself, my inner critic is abusing me. To the point where I can feel how relieving cutting myself would be. There is a reason people do it. But I know that is not the answer. Obviously. But it doesn’t unfortunately take away the feelings of wanting to do it.

It’s now 3:33pm. My psychologist appointment is at 5pm. I no longer have it in to go out to buy what I need or attend my appointment in person. I have not had a single bit of weed today, but that is about to change. When I feel as bad as I currently do, smoking a few bongs to help calm myself down is far better and safer than physically harming myself.

Thankfully writing like this does help me to regulate how I’m feeling which is also very helpful.

I had really wanted to see my psychologist in person since I won’t see her again for awhile but I guess video call will have to do.