So I recently realised that when we talk of being in the now, the present, that we are not exactly doing what we are saying. It’s hard to explain. I talk about being in the now all the time. To not connect to your thoughts, to let your thoughts pass without attaching to them. I believe this is important to do and do it all the time myself. Yet true and pure “in the nowness” that is something else altogether. I believe that the feeling I am describing, I have experienced, in its truest, purest form, only twice in my life. I am 35 years old. I go within and self analyse and well, world analyse I guess you could say more than anyone else I know. Though, it has come to my recent attention, that, clearly when I think about the world, I spend far more attention thinking about the ‘bigger picture’ than what is actually going on. I have been caught up with current events in the recent week and it has only confirmed to me more than ever how completely fucked this world is. Where it is.

I’ve had one of those days. I feel good. But I am on my third Smirnoff red can, and have had a few bongs and my vape is next to me. I dare say smoking my vape throughout the day, since I woke up at 10:30am, is probably what contributed to the fact that I achieved fuck all in regards to my uni work. I did try though. I read the first part of the chapter that was prescribed for week 5 and I started the next part. But I was reading the same thing over and over again so I realised it really was pointless to keep trying to make myself study when today clearly just wasn’t the day for it.

And that’s ok. I think about what I would say to a friend if they told me that they were having a day like I was, and I know I would tell them to put their uni stuff away. To put on some music or something to watch and to relax because the Universe was clearly showing them they need to walk away.

I mean sure, you can make yourself sit there, and read the same thing over and over and over again if you want to. But in my experience that hasn’t helped. Even more so when my inner darkness is feeding my lies telling me that I can’t do this. That I have to accept that I will never get into Honours and that I better stop fucking up at work and oh so many dark shitty things. Thats what they do, those fucking annoying inner critic voices we have.

This is not to be confused with our inner child voices that we all also have too. I do know that I need to be nicer to my mean one because she is apart of me, so I do get this. Even more so typing it out. I guess it’s normal that a part of us is always scared? Therefore mean? I mean who hasn’t been fucked over in their life at some point or another? I seriously can’t name a single person that I know. So that says a lot about this life, this world, this environment that we live in.

How do we live like this? It hurts my heart and soul on a level that I can’t explain. Wanting to make any kind of difference to the rising of the worlds vibrations into unconditional love, to help this world in any way I can, is my driving force for everything that I do these days.

But, this is not the reason I started my journey. My number one reason at the start was far more selfish. The reason for deciding to get ‘better’ and quit ice, go to uni, study hard, challenge myself to a sober year, and basically the entire underlying reason that started everything that lead to this point, to me here writing this post, was started with the intention of “rising above my ego and bringing my loved one back to me”. Mr X. The one I know I will love forever. It’s completely unconditional my love for him. There is no other why to describe it. I have not seen him in 5 years.

Over the years, I have realised that I obviously needed him to start this chain of events, and I will be entirely grateful to him for all that he has shown me, but I have to accept our lives exactly where they are in this moment. In this time and space. And that is not together. And that is ok. I do not need Mr X in my life to love him. Loving him brings me happiness and unconditional love in a way that has shown me how to love myself. So I am at peace.

We all have our reasons for coming to earth. I know and believe and always will, that what I can feel is real. That I am perfectly sane, and that what I am experiencing in my day to day life is real, and that is all that truly maters to me in my reality.

I understand that I came here to help. To make a difference. If that means sharing my entire messy story so that others can learn from it, then I am ok with this. I no longer believe in marriage in any sense and have absolutely no desire to have children. As it stands, this world is not a place I would ever want to bring another living being into. And I don’t understand how others don’t just stop and be like “what the fuck” all the time. But then I remind myself that we are all different and not everybody cares why we are here or what the purpose of this insane world is.

So, I’ve just read back over what I’ve written and am not entirely sure what the point of this post was when I started it. I think it had something to do with the fact that I only achieved basically only domesticated chores today. Changing the sheets on my bed, washing and drying them, tidied house, and read half of the weeks readings for uni due. For most of the day while reading my biological psychology textbook, I felt mostly ‘blah’ (this is a word I use when I’m not totally sure how I feel. not bad, not good, just blah). Just out of sorts so to speak. Like I said at the start, I smoked vape becuase of the intense pain in my left neck and soulder. Normally it doesn’t effect me this much but i guess I smoked more than I realised. Because I really wasn’t taking much in. I even moved to the couch to get more comfy when I started the second part of the reading, but i just kept reading the same thing. I was over it by this point. Some days you just have to walk away. I stand by this.

I just have to remember to be kinder to myself. I am extremely good at giving this advice out. I read energies and have for a long time. Don’t ask me to explain. All I can say is I can feel things that I can’t prove or explain but I usually know a good … something interesting has happened.. that last sentence has stopped me in my tracks.

I feel like I am very aware of what i wrote to unpack something for myself, therefore it stays in the blog. I don’t know how other people write, but since these posts are more for me than for anyone else, it keep what i need and write what I have to say to myself more than anyone else. All I really care about is figuring out how to be happy. Like truly happy. Without relieving on external forces or materialistic things. I am definitely not someone who believes money can buy you happiness. I don’t fully understand how people do or can believe this. But I often wonder if maybe they mistake it for the fact that money can buy you “things”, and therefore wrongly assuming things can make you happy. If nothing else, advertising in our modern age sure sells this concept. Am I right? … Exactly.

Queen and David Bowie are playing on my smart tv youtube. The song has pulled me back into the present to listen. Unfortunately it also brings with it the very intense pain in my left shoulder/neck that I have now had for days. Beyond excruciating. Thankfully I have an hour massage and dry needling booked and paid for, for Tuesday at 2pm. The fasted I could get an appointment at my chiropractor’s office, which I’ve been going to for a couple of years. It’s 7:50pm on Saturday night.

In the past, I would have bet myself up so much for not achieving much a lot in regards to uni today. It could, and probably would have lead to an episode of hating myself that could last for days. I was an extremely negative, self hating, world hating, pretty much everything hating, person. Because I felt like I had been dealt a rotten fucking hand at life and that no matter what I did or tried I always felt like shit deep down.

I could always see the good in everyone else but not myself. it has taken years but I am so happy to be able to say that version of me only comes out for the rarest of moments in the glimpses to the deep pain that I only feel at far and few between moments these days thankfully. And now when the really bad stuff resurfaces, I am able to pull myself out so much faster than ever before. I continue to learn and grow and time pasts by.

I am so happy that I am not mad at myself about I not achieving anything substantial today in regards to uni. I know I gave it my absolutely all, and that is literally all I can ask of myself. I have read far too many articles about students killing themselves because of a grade, a lost of admission into their top chosen university, and countless other reasons that plague students, due to the society we live in, and it honestly makes me want to cry. Because I am at university and I know exactly how easy it is to sub-come to the pressures that are everywhere. When is enough enough? There has to be someone to remind us that it is ok to make mistakes, to miss up to fail. We can come back from anything. Surely I am proof of that. Thats what I tell myself anyway. Because in the great big scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter if everyone reads this blog or not, it doesn’t matter if someone gains insight into themselves or not, or if it fades away into the nothingness that is the internet, the only real things that matters in my reality right now, is that writing this blog has helped me. And I feel like it has.

I did everything I was capable of doing today. It was more than I was capable of doing yesterday. Yesterday I woke up at 12:30pm. Did not get dressed at all, and instead stayed in my pyjamas and dressing gown all day. Wasn’t feeling great so watched Netflix on the couch for awhile. Once I felt up to it, I worked on the last question of the psychology assignment that was driving me bonkers. Read a bunch of discussions about the question and then went over everything I could, and submitted it having done the best I could. It was due at 8pm last night. I then went back to bed and watched Clinical, a scary movie on Netflix. Yesterday I felt good with where I was at, as I do today. I am happy. So not it is time to put the computer away and go make something to eat.

Love and light to everyone x