I’ve felt sad since I spoke to my supervisor. Second guessing myself and wondering why I even bother. Why I don’t just give up before I completely fail. At life. Yeah that’s where my dark mind goes straight to. Failing. I don’t know, I think many people feel like that. It’s this world. But it’s us too and in my case, it’s completely my fault for what happened even though my supervisor did tell me not to take anything personally. That we are working with people who live with mental illness. Who are effected in a way we can’t understand. Except that I do. I understand plenty. And I feel terrible that I some how triggered someone, though I do understand that there were many variables in play which all attributed to it. Hmm writing that sentence out has helped me see it with a better view then I’ve been feeling all day.

I’m talking to my uni friend on whatsapp and she’s just reinforced that it could have been anything and most more than likely as I’ve said a combined of things. I guess I’m feeling it deeper because she was my only regular client at the moment but I just keep reminding myself that I am lucky because I am on the disability support pension. I don’t have to work or go to uni or really do anything I don’t want and yet I do want to. I want to help and make a difference. I feel terrible knowing that I had any part in hurting someone unintentionally. The people I work with genuinely mean something to me. I don’t know anyone could do this kind of work for only the money.

I can’t help but think of the person I did help today while working my fill in shift. I know I helped her and she was so grateful and appreciative. More so because I stayed back after my shift for an hour, since her funding has been cut so she only receives hour shifts twice a week.

It’s 9:37pm on Tuesday night. I’m already in bed since my electric blanket is on so it’s so warm and cosy. Plus I like to come to my bed early when Married At First Sight is on television. But I am absolutely exhausted so it’s time to go to bed.