this is going to be one of those posts where I just write whatever flows out of me because I’m not exactly sure hoe i’m feeling or what i’m thinking, just i know I need to write. to get whatever I can out into the void.

writing into the void makes it easier to write without thinking which in some cases like thise one, is exactly what you need to do. Or I need to do I should say.

So yesterday I woke at 7a, and went to take my meds, but something stoped me. I can’t explain it except to say I had a very distinct feeling that I was not to take them then. I went to the toilet and went back to sleep. I woke at approximately 10:30am and again went to take my meds, but I really didn’t want to take the dex. I’m not sure why but I didn’t. I guess intuitively I knew I needed a day for myself that wasn’t a recover day like Tuesday had been when I could barely move at all. So I took my other meds and started chatting via WhatsApp with my new study buddy that I met via Reddit. By 11:30 I was telling her I could barely keep my eyes open due to not taking the stimulant medication, and that I didn’t think I was going to achieve much in the way of uni stuff that day. Instead after talking to my old client who I worked with for a year, and he agreed that i should not take those meds and instead relax and have a pamper day for myself. So I poured the bath and had a nice long soak in it while watching Netflix on my laptop. The Haunting of Hill House to be exact. I had already turned my electric blanket on so it would be warm when I lay down to keep watching my show.

At some point in the afternoon, I remember thinking to myself.. I could probably do some uni work if I wanted to. But I didn’t. I wanted to completely surrender to the flow and do what was necessary for me since i need to have balance. Like I’ve said, this is something I am still working on. So I instead finished that show, and then ate dinner in my room watching a movie. Say Yes. Which was very funny. I turned everything off and the clock said 7:45pm when I fell asleep.

I woke at like 9:20am or there about’s this morning. I knew I had heaps of school work to do because I hadn’t done any the day before or really the day before that. I was happy and looking forward to doing it, but something else was at play today. My mum was messaging me on messenger so I suggested we just video call each other. I wasn’t excepting us to talk for over an hour like we did. It was nice, but she still says things to invalidate the level of pain I live in on some days, because “I know plenty of people with fibromyalgia and their pain isn’t anything like you say yours is”. I try to explain that it fluctuates and that because this year of university is so important to me, my body is more tense, and apparently I’m probably more subconsciously stressed because of it, even though consciously I feel ok, and my pain levels are higher. Her answer is to go to the gym. That by not going to the gym I am not only not helping myself but making it [the pain levels] worse. So I guess this may not have helped my overall mood when I started watching the lecture that I needed to take notes for.

This is not to say that I was upset or anything about what my mum said, because the majority of the call was really good, and I am so used to these comments about my pain levels, that I don’t take them personally anymore, so I just let her say her piece and move the conversation along. Anyway, like I said earlier, the day just felt ‘off’.

So I start watching the recording of the week 3 lecture for my biological psychology unit. When I watch the recordings, I pause, rewind, play, pause and so on so often, that it takes like 4 or 5 hours to watch just over a 2 hour lecture. The longer it was taking, the more the clock ticked over, the higher my anxiety became. I had taken the 20mg of dexamphetamine’s when I woke up this morning, but knew they had kicked in when my anxiety did too. At around this point I realised I need to take a valium to try and counteract it. But this did not help much. I still felt so anxious. I couldn’t stop looking at the mess around me [I was at the kitchen table, where I have been studying this trimester] and the kitchen floor was driving me nuts. It really needed to be vacuumed. As did the whole house. It was starting to bother me to the point where i realised I needed to step away from my studies and do something else. I was roughly 3/4 the way through the lecture when I stopped to clean the house.

At first all I had planned on doing was changing the sheets on my bed, since I had another intense dream last night which resulted in a very sweaty night. Every time I had to walk into my room I had to see my very messy unmade bed. I like my bed to be made as soon as I am out of it, so, the first thing I did was change the bed linen. I still didn’t want to go back tot he lecture so I figured I may as well vacuum the kitchen. Then the lounge, and then I just ended up doing the whole house. I am very glad that I did too, because there is no way I would have done it after finishing my uni work because I was just too tired to after this and still needed to eat dinner.

I did get my house clean, the linen changed, dishes done, and whole house vacuumed. Once I finished all of this, and the second valium I had taken, kicked in, I was able to go back to my school work. I finished watching the lecture, and took many notes, and feel relevantly confident with what I took in today. After this, I read the first described reading for my week 4 philosophy readings. I then attempted the questions, but the reading was very convoluted and confusing, so didn’t get through too many. There are two prescribed readings for week 4, so I started the second one, but by this time I was really hungry and tired.

I started this blog with a completely different intention to what I actually ended up writing, I have now just realised. I wanted to write about how I have been feeling throughout the day but instead basically just wrote about what I did.

So to sum up the feeling underlying this day, the feeling that I don’t understand that I feel, given where my beliefs are at, but until I finally stepped away from my second reading, and got really stoned by having a number of bongs straight bang after one another, it was the first time that I actually felt like I had done enough. Throughout most of the day, all I could feel or hear or sense, or some kind of lower vibrational energy linger around, but I spent most of today feeling like I had completely failed by taking yesterday off when I could have achieved some study. What made it even worse was the knowledge that yesterday I had questioned myself about whether I might regret not doing anything at all, and I told myself I would be fine because I knew in mind, body and soul, that everything works out and that when i need a day for me to pamper me for my needs, then that is ok, and not only OK but actually very much needed. So I have to get that feeling to transfer over into the following day, since it’s hard to enjoy days off, if they are followed by days where you question whether you can even do what you have set your mind to.

Today this underlying feeling had me constantly questioning if I am reaching for something far too out of my grasp. I mean, I don’t know. Yes, I can feel certain things, and am very connected to Source at all time, and I do have this sort of nice calm feeling overall when I think about getting into the next degrees I need to do to continue on my path. But I also have to be real and accept that whatever will be will be, and if for whatever reason I don’t get to move forward with future degrees, it is definitely not because I didn’t give it my all. Because in writing this last little bit, I have realised that I am doing absolutely every single thing that I can to help myself. To help my education and career. Having yesterday off was needed. I had stuff to do on Thursday and a meet and greet for a client who needs a fill-in support worker during April, which went really well and I got the job. Wednesday I spent from 7:30am until 6:30pm at my computer working on my first biology psychology assignment which I submitted that night.

I am doing all that I can to help myself and that is all I need to keep reminding myself.