So I keep thinking about the videos I made looking for a way to lock up my TV cords for the entire day to ensure that all I do during the week is study and work. I was kidding myself.

Ironically enough, I was removed as the support worker for the person I worked with during the week, because, and I stress this is a very long story shortened to a sentence,  but because he trusted me more than anyone else in his support team and came to me before anyone else, it was deemed he no longer saw me as a support worker but a friend. When you work with people like I do, it goes without saying you are more than likely going to become friends. That didn’t mean I couldn’t do my job. But alas, this is what has happened. So I now only have my Sunday client for 3 hours a week. And truthfully it is a blessing in disguise.

So I recently realised what direction I want my studying and career to head towards, and that is to aim for the Doctorate of Clinical Psychology with a PhD in research relating to drug trials for patients using such substances like MDMA and LSD.

Like I now joke to my friends, I knew there was a reason I liked these things lol..

Anyway, to do this, I first need to be accepted into the Honours degree, once I graduate from my undergraduate degree in psychology and philosophy at the end of trimester three in February 2022.

So decided to hire a tutor for my remaining psychology units to help ensure I bring my grades up to where they need to be. I am currently at 74% for my weighted average mark across the core year 2 and year 3 psychology units I have done. I’d like it to be a minimum of 80% before I finish. Hence the desire to not waste a single second of my time watching Netflix when I could be studying.

Today proves 100% why that is not achievable or even realistic. I was told I’d never work again at 26, for a reason. I was put on the disability support pension for a reason. And that is that I live in chronic pain. During the years I didn’t work or study I did feel better physically because I was home all the time doing exactly what I wanted to without any responsibilities whatsoever besides feeding my dog.

Now though.. I keep looking at the timetable  that I made before classes started this year. It included both my weekend and 3 days a week client, my lectures and seminars (2 seminars which are on different days and different campuses both 50 minutes drive in each direction) and everything else I put on it. All I do now is shake my head at it.

I got my sleep clinic results back 4 weeks ago and was advised that two parts of my sleep cycle are out of whack (doc used medical terms, this is what they came down too) so I had to be started on dexamphetamine. 5mg first week, 10mg next and yesterday I started on 20mg which is the amount I’m to stay at. It is definitely helping me focus better and wake earlier and I do feel like I am achieving far more than I used to.

Unfortunately though, the more busier I am, the more strain I put on myself and the higher my pain levels become. I have now basically been in a fibromyalgia flare since uni started 3 weeks ago.

Today I woke at 7am, took my pills, used the bathroom and then went back to bed. My body feels like it has shut down. Every single piece of me is in so much pain and fatigue now. You have no idea how much effort it has taken me to write this. But like I said, I just keep thinking about what I had “planned” to do and it never would have worked.

I am so grateful that I did not have to end up giving up work during the week because I couldn’t keep up with anything. And so grateful that I could not find a way to lock up my TV cords because on days like today, just holding my phone and typing this is killing me, so looking at uni stuff is absolutely pointless.

My body, mind and soul are screaming at me to take the day off. Because in all honesty I really just can’t do anything else.

So the word balance keeps going around in my head, along with this.. if you are meant to get into these degrees Lib, you will. Taking a day off when you really need it is not bad. In fact it’s exactly what you need to do.

Sending light and love to everyone ♡