So on Monday the day I wrote the Dear Mr X post, it had been a full on day and I had so much to talk about and say but not enough energy to type it out. On days’ like Monday I always feel closer to Mr X, yet because I was low vibrational by the time I wrote it, I was missing him, instead of feeling connected to him like I usually do.

I had given myself a goal to ride my motorbike last week or weekend. Well I was too exhausted on Sunday after work on Saturday. Plus on Sunday my sinuses flared up, and I felt like I could have possibly been getting a head cold. I spent most on Sunday on the couch watching Netflix. But on Monday I woke up feeling a bit better but still really tired. I lay on the couch for a bit and messaged my mum in NZ via messenger and she reminded me that I had all day if I wanted to take my bike out and it was still early.

Once I felt like I had woken up enough I went and put on my motorbike gear. I own a Yamaha YZF-R15 version 2 2014 model bike, I have all the gear except motorcycle pants, which I know I need to get. I bought those calf size boots, which I refer to as ‘moon boots’ since they are so heavy and feel weird to walk in. I usually don’t wear them if I’m honest, but I decided that if I was ever going to get used to them, I needed to actually start wearing them.

My bike is out the back on my property, under a carport/shed sort of area. It is thankfully on a turntable which I had made for me since it is so much easier then me trying to turn the bike around in the undercover area where it lives. I just find this awkward and heavy. Anyway, I turn my bike on, ride out the gates and park so I can go close everything up so my dog doesn’t get out. Thankfully for me, my brother in law is very hand at a number of things, and he was able to install a gadget that tells me what gear I’m in when on I’m on my bike. I find it almost impossible to “count the gears” like I”m always told, so am definitely grateful that I can now always see which gear I am using.

I had no where special I wanted to go, I just wanted to practice. Truth be told, I have had my full motorbike licence since 2015 and got my bike when I got my learners the year before. Yet I have had fuck all practice since for so long I wanted someone to ride with but didn’t have anyone, no matter how many times I tried to advertise looking for motorbiking people who might like to go riding together. I didn’t have a lot of confidence since I always found the bike so heavy. Thankfully now I am much better with it, and have the drive to want to get good at this.

So I set off and just drove around my local bocks to begin with until I started to feel more at ease. I then ventured further out and drove near the train station and local shops, then further and further until the next thing I knew I was a number of suburbs away, say 20km from home. I was feeling so proud and happy, but also realising I wasn’t feeling well, and my pain levels were creeping up. I had to keep stretching my hands and arms at every intersection I had to stop at.

There were two ways to get home, via the back roads again or the freeway. I had never been on the freeway up until this point. It has been something that I have never felt comfortable to do before. I remember nearing the exit to the freeway and still thinking, no I will go straight ahead and go the long way round, but then that thought went straight back out, as I realised it was now or never and I had to do it. I knew I could. I felt ready. So I took the exit to the freeway, the whole way down the ramp I’m feeling so exhilarated, and then I check the merging traffic. There was a lot and two huge trucks coming up in the lane I needed to merge into. I am happy to say, all my years of driving skills kicked in so I knew instinctively what to do and when to merge. I was so happy at this point that I started saying ‘fuck yeah!’ over and over again out loud to myself. I was feeling so good that I even decided to take a different exit to get home that went further down the freeway so I could stay on it longer. I can now happily say that I feel the most confident I’ve ever felt and am so looking forward to taking my bike out regularly from now on. Once this new lockdown ends, of course.

By the time I got home, I was wrecked. I ate some food and then had a nap on the couch. I had an over the phone doctor appointment booked for 3:45pm to sort out the paperwork my psychologist needed from my GP. I let her know that I was feeling stuffy and not myself. Because I work in aged care with one of my clients, I then had to be tested for covid before I could go back to work. I was unable to go and get the test that day, because I had smoked way too much weed to drive by that point, given how much pain I was in from the motorbike ride.

I had meant to pick up my prescriptions from my local pharmacy on the Monday but didn’t get round to it before the doctor appointment, and obviously couldn’t leave my house since being told I needed to be tested. I messaged my friend and asked if she would be able to pick them up from me on Tuesday morning and drop them off for me. She was happy too. She then let me know there was a test clinic 5 minutes from me, and that I didn’t need to go to the closest hospital with a testing clinic. I had not known this. I was tested twice early last year and went to the hospital. Thankfully this clinic needed you to make an appointment so there was no waiting around.

When I got there, two men were out the front, one took my temperature and and gave me hand sanitiser, and the other started going through the info I had provided on the link they had sent me before I got there. Pretty standard stuff. He then goes “so you don’t smoke cigarettes” in a questioning way, to which I replied “no but I do vape weed. I put it on the form since I’m prescribed it”. He said he saw that and that he was too and he had never met anyone else who is prescribed it. We talked for a bit and then he went back inside. Once I saw the doctor, he asked me about the weed too and then let me know that he is opening up his own clinic to be able to dispense it and gave me his details.

By this point, I’m just thinking how interesting I find the universe when everything is in flow and how everything just seems to line up so nicely. Once I was finished with the test, which was done so much better than my previous ones, I walked back outside to where the other guy I had been speaking to was. I asked if he wanted to exchange numbers, since it’s always nice to meet someone new to smoke with.

We started messaging that day and it appeared like we had a bit in common. He explained that he and his last partner broke up because she wanted to get married and have kids and he doesn’t. Suited me fine. It was nice talking to him, but I knew he wasn’t really my type, yet I thought, I am open to whatever comes at me so let’s see what happens. It is nice to have someone to talk to, I thought to myself.

The next morning I woke to a “underwear pic”, basically a PG13 dick pic. I couldn’t believe it. I was happy it was not a dick pic, but still not impressed either way. On the picture it said “Netflix and chill” so I just replied saying the picture wasn’t necessary. To which he replied he just wanted to put it out there. Writing this now, I see where I made my mistake. I guess I just find it so interesting that I keep meeting these men who seem so great but really all they do is prove to me over and over again that I do not want nor need to date. I truly prefer my own company over having to compromise who I am just to have someone around.

But at the point of being sent the picture, I didn’t say anything else other than it wasn’t needed and that I was not looking to find someone to hook up with or anything like that. I was just happy to catch up and smoke together and see how it goes. I got my negative covid result on the Wednesday evening, so we organised to catch up on Thursday night, after work and my phone psychology appointment.

I guess it was a date. I knew when he arrived I didn’t want anything more than just hanging out and friends. He had bought his own bud which was cool, so we started chopping mix. I usually smoke joints when smoking with others but he made it pretty clear with his body language that his was his and mine was mine so I didn’t say anything after I suggested it the first time. Turns out he is actually only prescribed CBD oil and not bud, so he smokes street stuff, not prescribed stuff like he made out. The night did not go well. I even made a very short post about how I ended up throwing him out in the end. Men who gaslight women, are honestly just terrible people in my opinion.

This has helped me to see that I do know where I am and what I want to do and need to do for myself. I know what my truth is. I just don’t know how to speak it without starting everything with “this is probably going to sound crazy but…”. It’s something I am working on actually since I know I am not crazy and I believe what I do because of what I have been through and experienced for myself.

Then on Friday my friend and I had organised to catch up. We had decided it be fun to buy some coke to have a really good night. I haven’t paid for coke like ever that I can recall but we thought why not. I had a week to suss it out and went to my mate who hooks me up when I want things like acid or shrooms. It’s no secret I love psychedelics, in fact I have just fully realised this is what I want to do research on and why I want to be a research psychologist. To be able to work with these drugs that I believe can help people if used correctly.

Anyway, I wanted coke but of course because I “wanted” it, I was left wanting it, since what vibration you put out is what you attract. No one had any. My guy asked a number of people and for the whole week it was impossible to get. Ok, I believe everything happens for a reason, for our Higher Selves, so, it wasn’t meant to be. My friend didn’t care either. She arrived with vodka mixers and a tiny bit of md. I had a tiny bit left over from my birthday too, so we pulled them together and had a small line each. It did not help my sinuses. My friend thought it was funny and was like “you’ll blow it all out” if you keep trying to clear your nose. Oh well, so be it, I figured. We were happy. Both completely fine with not getting the coke even though we had the cash on us. As soon as we ‘let it go’ my mate messaged saying he had sorted it and it was being delivered shortly. Just another lesson in how “letting go” off what you want to manifest is the most important step! So it was delivered not long after. My friend and I had a great night. She ended up leaving about 10pm since restrictions were due to start at 11:59pm that night.

My biggest take away from Friday night is that I know I will not be spending money on drugs like coke or md or anything like that anymore. When my friend and I originally decided to catch up, I bought 0.25g of ketamine thinking we could have that together. She didn’t end up wanting any. That was ok. I wanted to try what I had been hearing about for years.. coke and K together. I didn’t end up doing that though until after she left. I had one last line of them mixed and then put everything away and smoked weed until I was able to fall asleep.

I spent all day yesterday lying on the couch watching movies on Netflix and smoking weed. I had been craving Indian takeout when I went to bed Friday night so I pre ordered $62.70 worth of takeout just before 1am to be delivered at 12:45pm on Saturday afternoon. It was delicious. But far too much.

I ended up working today since my client had to come back early from his vacation due to the restrictions coming into affect again. I worked 5.5 hours today. Sunday rates are fantastic. It was a very draining shift. I decided to buy some more vodka mixes on the way home from work. Once home I chopped a bong mix, filled my vape dosage capsules and then thought, ah fuck it, let’s have a line. So that’s what I did. I have had a couple of mixed lines of coke and ket and am now listening to music on Youtube on my living room TV while writing this. I originally started writing this because I want to talk to Mr X. God I want to use his name. But I won’t. Everyone who knows me, knows who he is and what he means to me.

So there you go. A crazy insightful, full of lessons week. And it’s ending on a really great note. I am having an absolutely great time all by myself. This day used to make me sad. Valentines Day. But now I understand that the most important love we have comes from ourselves for ourselves and that no one, not one of us needs “someone to complete” us. Because we are already complete ourselves.

I may or may not finish what tiny bit I’ve got, but one thing I know, after what I have is done, I am sticking to only weed and psychedelics from now on. Peace and love to everyone x