I wish I could explain to people what I mean when I say I see the world differently to how I used to. How I see and hear everything like its going through a new raw filter that makes it possible to hear exactly what people are really saying instead of just hearing the words they say. I can feel everyone’s energy and know when someone is lying to themselves or me. The only time I get tripped up with lairs is if I’m being sexually intimate with a guy and then my readings can sometimes be off. But that’s a different story.

Right now I am lying in the spare room in the spare house at my friends place or really her boyfriends place that she’s moved into.

I drove an hour and a half to come to her daughter’s 4th birthday. I haven’t seen my friend in so long because of covid so it was planned that I would stay.

My friend has recently bought a horse and started to learn how to ride. I myself owned, rode and competed in horse riding in New Zealand and absolutely love riding still yet haven’t been able to do it as no one i have known in past few years have owned one.

Anyway her boyfriend left earlier so we could catch up properly. I’m prescribed weed so obviously had my vape with me. I’ve smoked weed with my friend before and she wanted to try vape. She had to “ask permission” from her boyfriend (seriously wtf?!) so when he left she had some. We had great evening.

My friend and her partner had been considering going to a backyard doof/rave that is taking place nearby.

When her boyfriend got back he asked if we wanted to go even though he said we both looked comfy on the couch watching the stand up she had put on on Netflix. She had even gotten changed into comfy clothes and seemed content to stay home..

If only it was that easy. Instead she pouted like a child saying “fine we won’t go then” since we didn’t know if she didn’t like it if we could get home. The tone said everything. Both her boyfriend and I heard it. So I said let’s go it will be fun. But no she didn’t want to. I said you have 2 options we go and stay till others want to drive us home or just stay home and keep hanging out.

Again it wasn’t that simple. She cracked it and went to her room. I walked outside for a cigarette and vape. I am too tired to deal with crap. I love my friend but its nights like tonight that I really notice the 10 year gap between us. Me being the older one.

So now I’m in bed in the dark with my mobile hotspot on my laptop with Friends playing since that’s my happy show.

I messaged her saying I hadn’t done anything wrong and that as far as I was concerned none of what happened should have and that I’ll be gone in the morning. Surprisingly she responded saying “don’t be like that we’re both tired and can start fresh in the morning. Plus you still have to ride Tilly”.

I don’t know why but it’s not making me feel as good as I feel like it should. My flight and fight is still in play and I honestly feel like if I could drive I would leave. I just don’t know why. I was so excited to finally get to go riding and spend this weekend with my friend, yet I still feel like I really want to cry and drive home and hug my dog 😌😥