I awoke this morning feeling in a good mood, probably because I had snoozed for over an hour before I actually got up. I awoke with the memories of the dream I had had fresh in my minds eye, a similar dream to the ones I’ve been having for so long now. In my dreams I see Mr X (multiple blogs will be loaded once I have finished writing this part of the story). The man I have loved since the day I laid eyes on him back in May of 2014. Last night he was crying in my dream, as he has been for the past week or so now. He always says the same thing in my dreams, that he is sorry, that he made a mistake but he has to do what he believes is right and that is standing by the woman he chose to marry because he thought I was “making everything up”. It has taken me over 6 years to get to where I am, regarding this part of my story, but I am now completely at a point in my life that I know I have to honour what I believe is my reason for being here on this planet, and that is to tell my story in the best way that I know how. Hopefully because I am going to talk about the really bad stuff I’ve been through and have done during my dark days, I can help someone out there who feels alone.

Now back to today. I was feeling great when I had my first morning coffee and vape (I’m prescribed medical cannabis here in Australia, which is great!) and was reading Reddit. I honestly love reading Reddit and can unfortunately waste a lot of time on there. Everything was great until I messaged my supervisor at work to let her know that I had accidentally forgotten to add something to the case notes for the shift I worked yesterday, so, asked if I should add and resend back. I didn’t think anything of this. Then she rung me. Straight away I could tell something was wrong by the tone of her voice. She sounded really stressed out to start off with, which I even said to her. She advised that yesterday when I had asked her if I should the case notes to the support team since I needed to speak to them about something my client needs, that she had misunderstood what I was asking, as the case notes should never have been sent to anyone other than just her. I work as a Support Worker for people who experience mental health issues. I’m really good at my job because I have plenty of lived experience, plus I trained as a crisis telephone counsellor for our National Suicide Hotline, along with a number of different trainings I have undertaken while still studying at university.

Unfortunately my poor supervisor received a few calls from the clients support coordinator and sister who were cc’d into the email. Which, keeping in mind, I had checked about before sending. It turns out that the clients needs are far more complex than I was first taught to believe, plus you would have no idea anything was wrong if you met the client. This has now put me in a situation where I just feel so torn because I feel like enough isn’t really being done to help the client live his best life, yet I also understand what others are saying.

The thing is, I feel everything so deeply, that when I feel like someone is not truly getting the best for them, it really effects me. I do not do anything in life because I think “I have to”. I was told I would never work again when I was 26 years old and put on disability. I can smoke weed and watch Netflix for the rest of my life if that’s what I wanted to do. But it’s not. I have been through so much crap that all I really care about in life is hoping to help others as best as I can, along with hopefully figuring out what makes me the way I am. I used to say all the time when Mr X was in my life in 3D reality (he is always with me in the higher dimensions) that every single person I have ever met has sadness behind their eyes. Everyone has differing levels yet everyone in some way or another has been dealt something bad in their life to cause this. The sadness I see behind people’s eyes is what makes me want to learn and study and help. It’s also what makes me really struggle with not taking everything personal. I honestly said to my supervisor this morning that I wanted to cry for my client. And I guess it is that energy that has hung around all day since that phone call that has worked itself into my day and under my skin. I guess it’s because I feel so helpless. Like how can I help someone if every positive suggestion I give to enhance this person’s life is not allowed by the people who overseen everything, including his funds. I have to do as I’m told, which is going to make shifts with this client difficult and it’s just frustrating.

On a positive note, writing all this out has definitely helped me to feel much better and so much lighter which is fantastic. Dark heavy low vibrations are enough to make anyone go mad, so I am grateful that this site I have created is so far doing what I need it to, by allowing me to speak into the void, to get what I need off my chest, allows me to truly step into the now and focus on exactly what I am doing, instead of being stuck in the heavy dreadful feeling like I’m not doing enough.

I am doing enough. You are doing enough. Everyone is doing enough and what they can in any given moment. This is what I believe and to me it makes it easier to get through a rough day when you keep this in mind. Peace, Light and Love to everyone x