I haven’t had a chance to make a video today and have just gotten into bed. My mum is here again, and I don’t feel comfortable trying to make one quietly in my room. I don’t feel comfortable with my family in general, really. Yesterday I had a shit time at my sisters place. Thankfully, we ended up driving to mine last night instead of this morning, but none of what I wanted to do got done. We managed to get the vacuum suction bags and a sun visor, and that was it. No packing at all. I know already I’m going to be hit with overwhelm when alone again. And to top it off, everything has to be according to my sisters schedule. It doesn’t matter if I have plans or things to do. I have to drive mum 80km each way just to drop her off. I feel so used, like I’m only good to be a driver. I’m in bed in tears. I know my mother must know I’m annoyed since telling me the new time my sister has said suits her and I replied, “I just do as I’m told,” then got up to do the dishes and then said goodnight and came to bed.

I love my mum so much, but she is never going to be the mum I need. I somehow have to try and be the mum I need to myself. I just want a hug. My mum is right here but I can’t go to her for anything real. I hope she can’t hear me. Especially since it’d be even sadder if she could.

Oh, and one other thing, last night on the drive home, a kangaroo hit the side of my car. I’ve never experienced anything like it and I’ve been in Australia for 20 years. There is only minimal damage to my car, thankfully, but it really shook me up.

I just want to leave already. I feel worse being with my family and yet feeling like I don’t belong. I know they won’t miss me. I just wish I hadn’t missed my therapy session for an absolute waste of a day.

I want my mum, and she’s right here yet so far away 😭

9:44 pm