I now fully see that.

Though I have no idea why..

But, for over a month now, maybe more, I have been seeing Cassie everywhere…

And I’m not talking about out the corner of my eye like I wrote about with Andrew, but, in 8/10 females these days, look like her or resemble her. Yes, I have photos of her, and, weird as it may be for some of you, or as sad and pathetic as you may think of me, just remember you are reading a diary entry of a woman who has been going within and reflecting on how to be a better person, a better version of me, for over six and a half years now, so there is nothing a single person can say that I haven’t already heard in my own head from my numerous selves, over the years. I am where I’m at for a reason. Deleting her pictures doesn’t delete her from my mind. She will be etched* onto my mind for life. I will never forget her face. How can I? She is married to the one I love and the mother of his kids. She is who is lucky enough to fall asleep next to him, unlike me, who not sleeps next to my big beautiful dog, but my teddy bear as well🧸💗

But yeah, the entire point of this blog is to finally get it out. To stop being afraid and to truly become authentically me. Because as hard as it might be for so many people to fathom, even though I have been making videos every day now for 435 days, equalling 2380 hours of viewing,

At this moment, I can’t remember reading the third part that I have seen while checking the hours, but I know I would have read it before. Since this site and my channel aren’t about making money, reaching YouTube’s requirements for the potential to earn money isn’t something actually on my to-do list, so it doesn’t matter either way ☺️

Sure, it would be fantastic to get paid for doing something I absolutely love doing for free, but it’s not why I do this 🥰

😆 had to scroll back to the point to remind myself why I started this post 🤣

Cassie*, yes, Mr X’s wife (*obviously this is a character’s name, too 😅) does seem to be at the forefront of my mind these days. I actually can’t remember the last time she hasn’t entered my mind lately, so it’s probably been a lot longer than a month, but as we all know by now, my memory isn’t the greatest 🫣😆

I see her everywhere. I’ve wanted to write about it for ages. That’s why I have this site. To journal my deepest darkest thoughts out into the Universe. To the public. As raw and as real as I can be. And yet, as I said, I have still holding back on the full truth. The number one story that started all the other stories that have come since that have lead me to end up here, exactly where I am.

Given how insane the story is and I lived it, combined with the fact that I had to stop eventually, talking about why I started this journey, what I believed, all the big big picture stuff that is happening that none of us alive now will see in our lifetimes, to my own family because they just couldn’t handle it anymore. My Mum especially. Though I know she finds me difficult in general, a story different story for another day, my point being I can hear myself 😅😂

Anyway, my hands really hurt now, so I absolutely must put my phone away. I just had to get this out after opening something and staring at a face that looks just like her. For anyone curious, in my opinion, she looks like comedian and actor Amy Schumer, so I see her every time I watch a movie with Amy in it too 😄

Maybe now that I have finally stopped caring if others judge me about this and shared what I’ve needed to get off my chest for ages, it might let up or even stop; who knows 🤷‍♀️

For now though, half my right hand has gone numb the rest has pins and needles so it’s time to hit publish, vape some weed and watch Chris Rock 😁