After watching my therapy session back, I realised a number of things 😅
One thing, in particular, has been going around and around in my mind since and that is, given how I have used sex in the past, now that I am no longer having it, maybe all those emotions and feelings and the pent up anger that I fucked away, for what good it did me lol but maybe none of it is being released extremely anymore and hasn’t been in some time, are all still stuck within me, pointing straight back at myself.
Another thing I became highly aware of while watching, and truth be told, this part I don’t understand myself so it’s at the top of my list of what to discuss in my next therapy session, and that is, I told the wrong story. About what happened on Monday. I’ve never actually seen or at least been aware of it before, but, it was like watching myself speaking and thinking “that’s the version that happened in your head. Once you lost it, went nuts, cried and then apologised, she explained that she had said, ‘I wish I could stay longer and keep chatting with you, but it’s getting late and I have to get back to my cats’. Watching myself say “it didn’t have to happen” and telling the story the way I did has confused me because I know it didn’t have to happen. I don’t think I am ever truly grounded and know I don’t..
The end of what happened on Monday for me to go to Ellie’s place for lunch was the realisation that I obviously misheard her, and misjudged her and it was the straw that pushed me into overwhelm and therefore rage. I literally attacked a woman I had only met a few hours ago. I promise all of you, I did not enjoy it. I think it’s this stuff that may one day help others. I don’t know anyone who truly enjoys hurting anyone. I think most people honestly just have no clue how difficult it is to do the right thing as soon as you become aware of something. I never want to be that version.
Ahh see how I change tracks 😅
I think I just really needed to get that off my chest because I was 100% in the wrong and I owned that, she and I talked and have again today, and we are all good. Thankfully she said she’s not taking any of it personally 😌
But back to the point of picking up my phone for what I thought would be a few minutes, not having sex regularly is something I can’t help but wonder is attributed to how easily triggered I am these days 🤔😉
And until the other day when I randomly wanted to do it, I haven’t really given it much thought lately given what uni does to me, though I have more hope for this trimester 🤓 but it definitely helped and my psychologist even agreed it’s a great way to release endorphins so I’m thinking, as I’m typing this actually, that maybe I should set myself a little challenge, I always find them fun, and my last was my sober year of 2018, so I’m going to challenge myself to have an orgasm every day for a week 😝
I took the batteries out of the light Andrew gave me to use in my vibrator until I remember to buy new ones ⬆️😆
I have so many but these two are my favourite 💯🥳
This story is mad by the way
Imagery interviewer in my head . . “Aren’t you ashamed that you put these kinds of pictures on the internet?” Imagery conversations are fun .. you get to ask and answer all the possible questions that could be asked of you for a particular action you do in your life and all the many different consequences that may arise from them 😂