Holy Sh*t!!!😲🤦‍♀️

My video from earlier is still uploading. I honestly thought it would have finished uploading ages ago, but then realised it probably has to do with me video-calling my Mum straight after it started uploading 🤨

The Holy Shit reference is because something just hit me 😮

When my Mother doesn’t want to hear something, she just shuts down and ends the conversation. Well, it sure seemed like it today and the realisation came because I realised it’s a common habit she has 🫤

One that I do too! 😲 Bam 🤦‍♀️Wow 😳

I had wanted to share my good news with her regarding the scholarship, new client and finding out that I have my home for at least this year, via video call, because I may as well talk to her like this while I can, (this changes depending on my Mum’s mood), and it’s easier and more exciting for me ☺️

She was really happy for me which I knew she would be, though, right now in this moment at 4:15 pm I am realising the real reason is probably more to do with one of my many selves constantly seeking her approval. Damn, I really thought I was past this shit, but evidently I am not 😒

Anyway, we had a rather interesting conversation since I was explaining to my Mum that I have to get better at remembering they/them pronouns. She had no idea what I was talking about. I tried explaining it as best as I could but in the end, I told her that I didn’t fully understand it myself. It doesn’t affect me, except for needing to remember so I don’t offend someone by mistake 😅

Which is why I tried explaining it to my Mum. This then lead to a discussion on J.K. Rowley’s essay, which, (and I say this with no ill intent because I’m the last person to judge, but, I know I may also get hate for this but I have to be honest) I have read, and at least from what I remember thinking after reading it is that she made total sense to me. My Mum knew people had started distancing themselves from her but she didn’t know why. I told her about the essay J.K wrote and told her I would send it to her to read after our call 📞

We ended back talking about my university degree and what I plan to do once I have finished this one, which is at the end of October this year. So, I told her about the master’s and PhD degrees that I would love to do if I am accepted. I explained that the master’s degree doesn’t require an honours degree but I plan to apply to do philosophy honours simply because I love philosophy and can write a thesis related to the other two degrees 🤪

Mum had never heard of the area of expertise in which the degrees are based, before. As I said in today’s video, even my therapist said yesterday that there just isn’t any out there, meaning what I want to study is in high demand in a professional setting. I very much feel like I’m on the right track university wise, it’s just everything else I need to figure out, to enable me to study without all the drama my mind adds to it. Because I literally just won’t be able to keep doing degrees, if I can’t figure out how to actually get and stick to a routine. It’s more critical than anything else right now, yet, today is a great example of how hard I find it 😬

Anyway, as soon as I started explaining the degrees in more detail and why it is so obviously perfect for me, she immediately went into “baby voice” (that’s the only way I can think of how to explain it) and started whining saying “I’m sooo hungry, I really need to go. I don’t want to be rude but I really am just so hungry”. I could be way off, but I know my Mother and I know when she is shutting down a conversation because she doesn’t want to hear something. I still find it somewhat difficult to deal with the knowing and feeling that I am so much like my Mother and yet she is honestly offended if I say it, so, I stopped years ago, even though just today, proves once again just how much like her I am.

Something hit earlier too. Before I started writing this. I wrote it down on my notepad next to me because it was so strong I knew I needed to record it somewhere until I shared it here. I think I have only truly realised what it is that makes her like this with me. She is ashamed of me. I know she would deny it but that’s irrelevant because now that I can see and feel this, so many things make more sense now 😟

I know my Mum loves me and I think she knows that I do truly love her, but this is the best our relationship is ever going to be, so, after typing this all out, I think I can now see exactly what I need to move forward. Accept that this is it, it’s far better than no contact at all, just let her be. She will be 71 this year. I know we will never have the mother-daughter relationship that I have craved for as long as I can remember, and that’s ok 😊

I need to focus on myself still. Yesterday showed me just how much I still need to help myself. Thankfully, yesterday ended differently than the usual ending, after I’ve been triggered into an attack. First panic, then rage. It was life altering. This is why I will make a video to solely discuss the events of yesterday (20th February 2023) separately. Won’t be today. I’m absolutely exhausted 🥱

I think I’m going to finish this blog off by saying, I love my Mum, I love my brother and I love my sister and her family too. So, I need to do something about mending the relationship with my sister. We don’t have to be best friends, though I miss when we were, she and I are too very different people. But I miss her and I miss my niece and nephew and seeing them and more than anything I miss being able to message my sister whenever.

Oh.my.god. Thats it. That is what is so different in my life. I haven’t been able to figure out what has changed so dramatically that instead of being a calmer person, I’ve gone backwards and am now triggered so much faster. When I’m me, happy, feeling good, like myself Liv, life is awesome, but once I’m triggered, within seconds I can go from completely fine to a wholly different person, or to put it more correctly, another, much meaner version of me can take over. It’s either panic or rage and usually it’s both. Yesterday was both. Obviously none of this has to do with my sister in the sense that she has caused any of this, I just think not having her in my life has made it harder for me to remember that I’m a good person. I never ever want to hurt anyone. Especially not on purpose, but I have all the diagnoses that I do because I don’t function like an ordinary neurotypical person. Even that terminology is so new to me. Without my sister, I think I have slipped back into the darkness in certain areas of my life without realising, which could be contributing to just how fast these attacks can happen. Thankfully on the plus side, focusing on the good, I come out of them almost as fast as I go in ☺️

So, that means I’m definitely starting to heal, it’s just going to take as long as it takes 🥰

Thankfully, due to how I have ended up with a support worker, they were already made aware of everything before even agreeing to meet with me. Though, work is different. I can’t actually explain why but even when I am able to be 100% completely authentically myself, because I am in the role of carer, so my focus is on the other person, I am in my element. I love working with awesome clients. I am honestly so excited to start this Saturday ☺️

I have no idea how long I have been typing this out any more 😆

It’s 5:23 pm the video finished uploading sometime ago but I figured made more sense to continue until I was ready to stop, and I only know I’m done once I get there, so the video will be uploaded here after this blog, but it was originally filmed this morning sitting in my car at the pool carpark 🤣

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: