I am exhausted. I am brain-dead. I am over feeling like I do absolutely everything wrong. Over being used by other students and then completing disrespected and dismissed as if I only exist to help them in their own life. Losing time. Not knowing how to study efficiently, struggling to focus or do anything in a reasonable time and manner due to having a completely fucked up brain that doesn’t work properly and mental illnesses that can become so severe all I can do is hold on and pray for it to pass and for me to be able to climb out of the darkness fast enough..
Every single part of me hurts. All of it. If that was the only problem then sure maybe I’d be fine. I have been living with chronic pain for as long as I can remember, though I was technically diagnosed at the Alfred Hospital in 2005 at the age of 19.
But the brain fog is fucking with me. It’s Sunday night, 9:40 pm and I only made it halfway through the hour and a half class. There is still the seminar to watch as it’s all related to exam preparation and I need to get my notes in a better state to find things easier too. The exam is on Tuesday.
Grant has said he can come in the morning though I will double-check tomorrow. I would love to keep studying now but I just know that I can’t. I can barely keep my eyes open.
The second part of the main assignment results came out today. Once again I lost marks on a few silly things but I got 26.5/30 which is 88.33% so I’m happy. I’m pretty sure I have already passed the unit now based on my current grades, (will confirm once I know for certain) but if so whatever score I get on the exam will just determine my overall grade.
I’m so wrecked and still need to make my video for the day so I’m going to get up and put the leftovers in the fridge, make a short video, and then get into bed 😴
🤣🤣🤣🤣 less than I realised when I got distracted by writing this blog. Sometimes I just need to write, talk, share, and I lose myself in it. This is what I have to remember, to focus on when I start feeling like I’m stupid and incompetent, which is how I tend to feel regarding uni, especially during exam time, even more, when I haven’t left myself enough time to study which in turn leads to negative self-harm and then the cycle starts again 😒
Now I can also remind myself that it doesn’t matter what overall grade I get in the big scheme of things. Ahh sleepy now 🥱