So, I’m not feeling happy or sad right now, just this strange sense of indifference 🤨

I think as my list of things to do keeps getting bigger the more unsettled I become.

But it’s not even in a bad way. I feel peace. Weirdly I did not know that until I wrote it.

I am mentally ill. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. It’s a strange feeling knowing you have so many shattered parts of yourself in your psyche and yet some you have or are healing and others seem so far away the thought of healing them all seems impossible.

This past month of January 2023 has bought with it so many profound realisations and epiphanies all showing me exactly what area’s in my life I need to work on. I can definitely see what I am supposed to do, and I’m not referring to changing who I am as a person, since no one should ever do that, but changing the way I behave around others, with the number one thing to stop doing is monopolising conversations. Especially if meeting new people for the first time.

I think that’s why I’m feeling lonely. I fully recognized that’s what I was feeling yesterday I think. I do remember needing to write out how I was feeling at the time too though I don’t remember what I wrote, only that I published it halfway through.

Someone on my YouTube channel recently asked on a website comment how I’m so consistent with my sharing. Today will be 396 days of making videos in a row.

The reason I find this so easy to do is that I need to be sane. I spend more hours alone than anyone I’ve ever met. I have been asking myself why I am here and what the purpose of being alive is since I was a little girl. That memory hit me just like so many other crucial memories that all tie into everything that has hit me in the past week. But more importantly, more than anything else in the world, I finally remember, I remember once the realisation had hit me all those years ago, I share because I want to help people. I share because I do believe that we can start the changes that our species need to evolve. We won’t survive the way we’re going. I truly believe that each of us in our own way can make a positive difference in society. “I believe in the good of the people, I believe one day our world and species will have world peace”.

I finally found the original version of this quote sorting stuff out. It’s on my pantry cupboard but now that I’m actively thinking about it, I’ll scan it onto my computer as backup.

I remember all the times I would say all of these things above and how all the hell that was transpiring around us was happening to show us what we had to do. We talked about it all the time, well I talked and he sometimes called me delusional and yet he kept coming back over and over again even when I’d told him months prior that I was worth far more than being the mistress to the person who clearly loved me more than even he could understand, so I stopped having sex. Stopped all that as hard as it truly was but I couldn’t do it anyway. I couldn’t live with the guilt I felt every time he lied to his now wife when he was with me. In the end, as I’ve mentioned in random blogs throughout my stories, a great friend of mine who met Mr. X multiple times suggested that I baby-trap him to make him choose me. Looking back now the timing is … well let’s just say, I usually laugh at the next part of the story but recently I read something from my storage that fell in between the dates, and I cried like a baby.

For the past however many years, say age 19 till now at 37 with a couple of years in between when not using anything, I usually have the birth control rod inserted in my arm. They last three years and if you are lucky like I was for the first 10-15 years, they stop you from getting a period.*

*Another fun fact about me is that I seriously struggle with talking about this, don’t like using the word and all round have something all messed up in my brain because people talking about it makes me cringe. In all fairness to myself though I have almost no memories of major “milestones” in my earlier life. Don’t remember how old I was when I did get my first period, do remember having to teach myself how to deal with it. I’ve got no clue how old I was when I first kissed someone or even their name. Memories of things I think I should know, say a single teacher’s name, nothing at all comes to mind.

System of a Down is playing in my head. I’m not sure if I should put it on out loud or continue listening in my head as I keep writing this  …

So, I just scrolled to the top to see how I started this since, when it gets this long and I’m just free consciously writing by now, I can tend to forget.

I no longer feel indifferent since writing this out. I know I will succeed at absolutely every single thing I put my mind to. I know this based on everything already proven to me throughout my past, even all that appears so dark and dangerous, it all lead me here. Perfect grades, feeling sick to my stomach and deteriorating health aren’t going to help me help others. I’m not even helping myself if that’s the case.

Lately, I have felt like I have put so much pressure on myself and only just fully realised it today. Maybe last night. I don’t know. I constantly remind myself that I have absolutely nothing to worry about with uni. It is true, I am behind, but my note-taker does the hardest part in that sense. I just need to watch and learn. And I’m enjoying it so the only thing messing with me the most is the exam. Again, I think I’ll be ok. There’s still a chance I may pass the unit just through the assignments alone given the exam is worth 35%.  Truthfully what’s causing me the most stress regarding this is being alone since having someone in the house keeps me calm. Or at least calmer, or so it seems.

Sometimes I just want to write this. But typing on my phone hurts and I know it’s silly and just bigger in my head like everything else but unplugging and using my laptop doesn’t appeal to me. It’s like now it’s set up as a desktop unless I’m taking the laptop to the kitchen table. Like my phone is too small my laptop is too big 😆

Last night I learnt something new about myself again. So many new things it’s hard to keep up. Another reason why I will always have these sites. I have no one to talk to and yet am very much one of those people who feels like I’ll explode if I have something I need to get off my chest by talking it out.

I am fairly certain that I would have shown it in at least a few videos at some point, but I have a dictaphone which I purchased during my first year of university in 2017. Two journalism classes were two too many.  When I first got the recording device, I used it to record parties, drunk and stoned parties are so much fun but also easily forgotten. As was the device not long after that.

It was only near the end of last year I believe, though not entirely sure when, that I bought it back out again to start recording conversations. Hmm now that brings to mind a few university zoom meetings that I recorded the conversations of. There’s also my birthday and the other night Graham came over for drinks, that are all recorded. None of which I have ever listened too. 

Last night I had a story flowing through me that needed to be told. One that is not meant to be heard or read yet. I have a lot of those kinds of stories. I know in the past, there were times were all my fractured inner pieces of me have become so confused and unaligned, and I have told snippets of stories that make no sense down here in 3D and over caused myself grief for trying to talk about whatever it is to someone else even though I didn’t understand what I was thinking let alone trying to say. It really is no wonder this is where I am. But I know I live through this. I realized it a long time ago.

I am here to share for all of you who feel alone. I know what can happen when I am a recluse for too long, and maybe by continuing to talk to all of you all the time and stop mentioning this site once and for all in 3D, due to finally seeing how ridiculously dumb I must look by how excited I am about my website and channel, but through researching the best camera to buy and talking to so many camera experts, I realized ….

Nobody cares if you post videos everyday. It’s 2023. … Ok, I got sidetracked looking at YouTube Statistics 2023; it’s a lot!!

Anyway, my point is, I can see myself even more clearly than before. So in a sense, I guess what I’m really feeling is a strange stare of

I honestly don’t know how to finish that sentence ⬆️😳

I .. I feel different …

And the biggest lesson of my life is about to start..

This means that I’m going to have to figure out what it is that causes me from being unable to pick up my dictaphone or even my normal phone and start talking out loud and recording it, no different really to how I talk to all of you here and in my videos.

I’m finding it very strange. My other idea, which I’m not totally sure I’ve mentioned but pretty sure, is opening a word document, enable speak to text and then turn me camera on in front if I need to. Though I really don’t want to tell the stories that aren’t going to be heard for year’s onto videos, so I guess I’ll keep working on using the dictaphone.

I absolutely must set everything I can to voice control, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t kind of trip me out the very brief time I set my phone to voice control. I have no real idea of how to use it but it was always listening, and it’s bad enough that the google hub goes ‘Good evening’ on it’s screen when I walk in but haven’t said anything 😅😆

I should probably clarify technology doesn’t scare me; I’m not a conspiracist, I just have such little understanding and knowledge of how it all works that it makes me nervous and anxious.

Considering I started writing this blog because I wanted to take photos and even possibly film my video while I try out the new camera settings and yet ended up writing what I can only assume is a long blog given it’s now 6:04 pm and one finger typing of course, I have realised even more about myself. And the first thing I’m going to do, besides peeing, read the manual for the camera, then grip.

It appears that I did forget to query one thing though, probably since not once did I think of it, but the grip came with a protective covering and the camera did not, so, I guess that is what I will have to look into quick smart given what the camera is. I must admit, I can’t help but wonder if the nice guy I spoke to on the chat function at JB Hi-Fi decided to follow my site as he said. Telling him doesn’t count given he helped me out so much and needed to know what I wanted the camera for.

I am positive I’ve started a few unfinished stories, if so I will fix on the read through later to fix any grammar. Grammarly Premium is not working on my phone currently for some unknown reason.

I think I’m going to get up and clean my bathroom sink which is absolutely disgusting and has been driving me crazy the worst it gets. Then I am going to hung out my clothes washing on the clothes horse. I will probably sit down for a bit. No more than 10 minutes before I vacuum the living room floor because I cannot stand it any longer. One small chore at a time. I know this. I just need to remember to remind myself exactly as I say it to the next person, one bit at a time. You have got this. As do I ♡

6:18 pm

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