Usually, my day starts well. I’m still feeling happy and in what I assume most of the population considers a good mood 🤷‍♀️😅

Yet, before long, I start becoming irritable. Mildly at first but once it starts it increases throughout the day 😒

This has been driving me so crazy, I haven’t even taken my new camera out of the box. I was so excited, and well, truthfully still am but it’s more than that. I haven’t been able to place where any of this is coming from.

Yesterday realised that I had forgotten to take my 4 pm Ritalin and then remembered I’d forgotten the late afternoon dose a few times in a row and wondered if the irritable could be related to possible withdrawals.

During the day, I had called his offices asking for an urgent emergency letter that I required for something and hadn’t realised until after lunch yesterday. His receptionist said that getting a letter without an actual appointment would be impossible, and the next available short appointment would cost me $250. I said I obviously couldn’t pay that and asked her politely to please call him and at least ask if he could help me and let me know before she left work since my psychiatrist was doing rounds at the hospital he also worked at. She again told me the chances were unlikely, but she promised to ask.

Once again, I have to say I am incredibly grateful for the medical support team of specialists that I have looking after my care. He rung me at 7:45 pm, and we spoke for just over ten minutes, and he was happy to provide the letter. We also discussed the side effects of taking Ritalin and ways to try and help manage it better.

I then learned something new; the long-lasting version of Ritalin may have combat the side effects and stop the loss of appetite some people, such as myself, experience, but it is not covered by the PBS* so it’s a private medication which he advised was extremely expensive. I find this very strange. He sent me a script for it in case I want to try out the difference. I’ll be calling my chemist first though! 😅

Then came the most fun part of the phone call 😆 asking what the appointment was going to cost me since when his receptionist had called back she just said “He’ll call you this evening and let you know the cost then”. I needed to speak to him so just agreed. Once again I was shown there are so many good people in the world. His Psychiatrist charges $550+ per appointment which is worth it, but he is still so kind and one of the good guys. He told me since I have an actual follow-up appointment booked in March that he wasn’t going to charge me for the phone call. Keeping in mind, I called his clinic at 11:47 am yesterday and he made time in his evening to call me on the same day.

Writing all this out has really helped my perspective I think.

This morning I did the same thing I always do. I woke early. Like genuinely awake around 7-7:30 am. I knew I needed to make a coffee and go back to bed and read nosleep stories in bed, but of course, I didn’t 🙄 I made it through one and a half stories before setting a timer for 10 minutes telling Boss I was just going to close my eyes for 10 minutes then get up. Boss woke me to go outside at approximately 9:30 am. I didn’t care. I felt fine. Or so I thought. Or maybe I’m just lost and confused within myself.

My self-awareness is now so high that I can literally see and feel all the ways in which I’m still stuck in a version of myself where even I can see why no one ever wants to invite me back. The more I learn the more I understand why I am totally alone.

And that’s what I originally had planned to say when I started writing this. I think I’m lonely and how I feel this is so new and foreign to me.

Content Warning Below ⬇️⚠️🫣

Becaus in the past when I have felt lonely it has always come with a side of,

This is the one I forgot to post! 😲😂🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️