Day 339: 13th December 2022 | I’m starting to see where somethings I say don’t make sense ๐Ÿ˜…

Well, at least that’s what I think I’m trying to say, lol

It makes no sense that I feel comfortable uploading videos like yesterday, which I have now watched twice, yet, I feel like I can never ever see the people from Sunday again, even though they were all nice to me …

Andrew helped me with the flat tyre this morning which I am very grateful for. Then we chatted for a bit, which was nice. Being in Andrew’s presence always calms me down without him even trying. So, that’s obviously super helpful too.

But once again, uni got the better of me, and I broke down. All I do these days is break down. It’s overwhelming in itself. With that came self-hatred and the voices. Oh, so many voices telling me why I am so useless, so stupid, and incapable of doing anything right, and that’s why I’m now not one, but two weeks behind at uni. The version I hear inside my head is far superior to anything anyone has ever seen.

I had a meeting with someone online at uni at 1 pm and broke down straight away, but I was finally able to calm down. Unfortunately, I have not achieved anything substantial regarding uni, but not from a lack of trying.

While talking to the lady at uni, I told her about Sunday and how badly I was mentally suffering because of it. Sometimes when I cry, I am hard to understand, and for a few minutes, all I could say was I was two weeks behind. Once I finally calmed down, she asked me what I meant by two weeks behind. I said I was two weeks behind on all the content. I’m only just starting week four when today is actually the start of week 6; after hearing that, she asked me when I had any assignments due next. With the disability extra two weeks added, I have until the first week in January before anything is due. She then told me most students are behind by two weeks, some even more and that she had been worried I had a huge assignment due tomorrow or something.

She asked if I had considered dropping out before the census date, which is the 15th of December. Still, I explained to her that if I did that, I wouldn’t be able to study in trimester one since I need to pass the current unit I am doing to complete the second statistics unit in T1.

There is no way I am putting off finishing this degree any longer. I want to graduate. I need to graduate. Every single put of me needs to rest, relax and recuperate. For me to feel truly free and able to do this, I need to graduate first.

And it is only now it writing this, that I can see I just need to be once that happens. No more signing up to training after training to feel worthy.

I am worthy! You are worthy! We are all worthy!

I am so tired and hungry now. It’s 7:25 PM Goodnight

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