Even though I ended up sleeping until 1 pm. Even though today has been spent in bed, I am still in so much pain. Though that may have something to do with not taking anything stronger than Nurofen. I have no intention whatsoever of getting hooked on any of my medication. But unfortunately I do have to get up and take my night time meds before I can go to sleep.

I hope I wake up feeling like my usual self again, or at least better than I do. I’m just so sad and ashamed of myself over yesterday that the self hatred is a lot stronger at the moment.

I become a person I do not like when I am triggered. That is hard enough when I’m by myself, but how much work it takes to forgive myself is extremely difficult. Just thinking about yesterday brings tears to my eyes. I know within myself that if I can’t rise above how truly terrible I feel, that I will never be able to contact anyone from yesterday again. Therefore, meaning no public speaking educational program for me after uni.

Doesn’t matter though. That’s what I have to keep reminding myself. I need to figure out me. I can’t keep hating myself for the rest of my life. I’ll be 37 in 18 days. 37 years of age and crying alone in bed writing a post to try and help me find something good within me so I can wake up tomorrow and get on with life. Just have to keep pretending like I matter 😢