I’ve had a good day ๐Ÿ˜Œ

And yet, even though I knew all along this was coming, knowing 100% for certainty that I am spending another Christmas alone has me fighting back the tears. It’s like being sucker punched in the gut and feeling like you can’t breathe ๐Ÿ˜ง

I wish my human self could recognise and align with everything my higher self understands. I have no actual interest in Christmas at all. It is just made to make people spend more money, get into debt, and put family politics ahead of making the day about people coming together. I can’t help but find it amusing in times like these because I have spent many Christmases alone in the past, and yet, every year, I do it to myself. I tell myself that someone I know, somewhere will chose to let me attend and yet it is now in this very moment at 8:08 PM Saturday the 3rd of December 2022 that I can see I guess from the next person’s view. A little.

I don’t blame anyone whatsoever that I will spend Christmas 2022, as of this date and the information I currently have, along with Boss.

I guess it’s just still hard for me absorb that this is my life now. Right now I care about finishing my degree and being done with studying after that. For how long, I havee no idea. But, I want to at least feel better. Feel worthy and wanted and needed and loved. This whole time I thought I have been working on myself, but, I haven’t. Everything I have done since the decision to quiz ice and go in pursuit of a public speaking storytelling career have all been externals things that I feel like I need for creditablity.

I am so broken in so many ways that I continue to seek validation from others around me. Unless I am welcome at Christmas or New Years, the more people who are well aware that I will be spending this day of supposed joy and togetherness, alone at home with my dog, just breaks my human self just a little more.

I have been saying the cup is empty for some time now, so it’s time I start trying to fill it back up. First on the agenda, never ask to attend an event or celebratory public holiday again. It is no secret that I am alone. I think I’m a nice enough person, so sometimes I can’t help but get sad.

Poltics and who can outdo who is more what Christmas is about these days. Oh, and of course, Santa. Way to scare, bribe and lie to your child from day dot. Yuck. Ok, so, that at least helps in that way.

I’m tired now. I am watching the last of ‘Inventing Anna’ on Nexflix and I highly recommend it ๐Ÿ™‚

8:24 PM

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