I think since Randy died everything just became harder in general. But I can’t blame circumstances for I am the common denominator in all of them. I am in charge of my emotions. Though it doesn’t usually feel like it.

Today has been a roller coaster of a day itself. I am just so easily triggered lately usually resulting in anger of some kind. I know it can appear like it’s others I am angry at but it’s almost always at myself.

I am not aligned with my beliefs. I know this. I want to be. I am trying I really am but right now I just constantly feel like I’m behind. And am so fragile. There is no structure or balance in my life whatsoever. My therapist suggesting that we block out set times I that’s not what I’ve been asking for help with along, everything just feels off.

Uni holidays are open. Classes start next week but the units open a week early because we are supposed to have read and actioned whatever is necessary for the class, so technically, this is Week 0. I may have done the first couple of weeks before but I still need to to refresh my memory.

I got my second assignment grade back and am beyond disappointed in myself. Which in turn turns into anger and self hatred. For anyone else I would be so happy happy for them but not for me. It took me so long to finally see what I was missing but by then I was too exhausted. I don’t know why but I still had this feeling like maybe by some miracle I might still get a decent overall grade but now who knows..

But at this rate by the time I graduate from this degree I will never want to study again