Original Title: I feel sad 😔 Everything has just came full circle 😥
I know better. I should not have answered the call. I could barely keep my eyes while walking Boss. I had just walked in the door. As in literally. Not even enough time to have some water when my phone started ringing. Here’s where I go wrong the first time…
I was exhausted when I made my video at 6:02 pm. I have only just now realised that I haven’t moved it from YouTube to here as yet though 7:56 pm 😅
It took every ounce of energy, motivation and willpower combined with Boss’s puppy dog eyes and the fact that I had promised him a walk because I was too emotional, exhausted and in excruciating pain to take him for a walk yesterday. By early afternoon yesterday, I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster from hell. One minute I felt confident, proud and like I really had a good handle on where I was out exam preparation-wise. The next, I was crying my eyes out, feeling these overwhelming, mind blanking, feeling like I can’t breathe moments or perhaps even, I feel like the word ‘episode’ might be more appropriate, and it’s literally all I can do is run through every single therapy tool I have learnt throughout my many years of therapy, sometimes they help but unfortunately sometimes they don’t and that’s when I personally know I need to reach out to someone. It’s hard though, considering basically all my friends are online and many only want to chat via text.
I think the reason I originally started this post which was about realising that I wasn’t in the best frame of mind is directly related to what I’ve said above.
It was Ned, Randy’s Dad. I had planned to message him telling him how the exam went and how I felt about it. I just hadn’t managed to get there as yet. Remember how I said I had to dare on every last bit of energy I had to walk Boss, that’s why 🙄
There are some things that are extremely important to me. Those of you who follow my stories will know that I do not tolerate lying on any level. This is an actual philosophical view point and something I have actively thought, felt and lived since learning about it in my favourite philosophy class ever ‘Happiness and the Good’. I wrote an essay on how I feel about lying. It’s one of my most favourite papers since being at university.
Anyway, I am exhausted and will need to write part two tomorrow lol 😆
Note to self. I did exactly what Randy said I do which obviously then bought it to my actual attention and yet tonight after a) answering when I shouldn’t have, b) ended the call far sooner, but I did what I do best.
I said something I wish I hadn’t. It’s a longer story but I just have no tolerance for lying and I basically said there is nothing you can say or try to”teach” me that any form of lying is ok. I’m not saying you have to tell everyone everything at all. But if you say something that you know is incorrect information, that you are lying, I believe it is wrong on a far higher level consciously and if our species has any chance of evolving, major things have to change at Core level. Ok I’m getting off track.
We’re ok though. He understands that I’m fast exhausted and using far more energy than anyone realises so I can get my final assignment submitted. I dare say once I am finally done with this trimester I may completely break. But I need to. I think it will be healing.
We were talking about balance in life when the motorbike guy from next door knocked on my door, and I said there the closed door that I was on the phone and really busy with uni so don’t really have time to catch up, to which I then said to Ned, I’m glad I am on the phone to you as I don’t have enough energy to deal with him but I can’t say I’m on the phone if I’m not.
Must eat. Transfer video. Sleep. 8:35 pm