I can’t stop crying

Why does this always happen???

I don’t want to be broken anymore

😭😭😭😭😭😤😤

Update: I completely lost my appetite. I had cooked vegan sausage rolls, hash browns and toast and wanted sunny-side-up fried eggs*. But I know better than anyone that where we are vibrating at is what we’ll attract. So, it’s no wonder as soon as I cracked the first egg and the yoke broke which was the straw that broke the fragile dam and I completely dissolved into a complete mess.

⛔️Sensitive content regarding non-suicidual self injury coming up

I don’t know how others feel things. Obviously. But from everything I’ve ever been told and have learnt, I feel things on such an intensely deep level that apparently not everyone feels like. The reason I say this is because when my dam breaks, and for whatever reason, it’s been happening a lot lately, I am instantly hit with visions of me harming myself. And that is never fun.

Thankfully I am much better at pulling myself out of these moments much faster now. As I type this at 6:32 pm, lying on my bed in the dark with Boss and friends playing on my tv, I feel sore, especially from typing this. I really must figure out and start using voice options for everything. I am also feeling emotionally flat but definitely safe.

I cried so much, in such a gut wrecking depth, that truly doesn’t make any sense, especially given how truly excited I am about continuing studying philosophy after this degree. So as long as my grade is over 50% I am completely fine, which I will, having a breakdown makes absolutely not a single bit of sense. Yet, here I am. Like What the fuck?

Holy shit. I’ve just finally realised why I keep mentioning choosing philosophy over psychology so often. I did know all along what I wanted to study. I also know why I didn’t acknowledge it and tried to convince myself otherwise. I can see it so clearly now and I think it’s making me angry. I don’t know. I’m all over the place now.

I got sweep up in the bullshit 3D highly irrelevant stuff instead of the big picture and my overall goal. A part of me felt like people (what people? who knows) would not give me the same level of respect and credibility for getting postgraduate degrees in philosophy as they would for getting postgraduate degrees in psychology.

I just wouldn’t allow that thought to fully come through so I pushed it down and pretended it wasn’t there. Now looking back it’s so interesting to see how often I said it to myself without even realising. I constantly said things like ..

I don’t even want to be a psychologist.

I know I am a philosopher.

I was born a philosopher.

I joined uni for philosophy (and decided to do psychology as my second major the following year!)

Anyway, I started this update with the sole purpose of saying that I had lost my appetite. Yet in the time it’s taken me to write this I’m hungry again. So, I’ll reheat the food in the oven and cook some new eggs. Boss can have the ones from before.

I have no idea if after that I’ll feel up to looking at my assignment again but I hope so. I feel numb now too be honest so maybe that will help me just write. I know the reason I am getting so upset is because I do care. I guess now I’m feeling like I have spent so much time working on it and I honestly don’t know if it’s done correctly.

It really is like I can talk about it with others yet as soon as I try to write something my mind just goes blank.

I think maybe another reason I’m irritated is because not only have I wasted so much time and still so lost and feeling dumb and unable to write anything, is thinking I ever actually had a chance of getting into psychology honours. Because there is is no way that could have ever happened. And that sentence just opens up my philosophy mind and all the deep questions and beliefs I have and want to explore..

It’s 7:02 pm. I must publish and put my phone away for the night. Goodnight everyone 🥰

*For those of you who might be new and are interested, I am plant based, no dairy or cheese. But after months of questioning myself regarding how I feel about eating eggs, while not eating them at the time and eating fully vegan, I realised I was ok to eat eggs provided they are free range on a pasture ” laid by hens that have been raised outdoors on open fields” is what Google says. Lately I have also been eating a lot of honeycomb chocolate, though that’s before more of an addiction when stoned, which is almost every night, I have put weight on. So, for now Andrew has all of my junk food. I try to stick to all vegan products in all areas of my life too 😁