Focus on the reason I started all of this to begin with.

Why I care enough to not go next door and take my neighbour up on his offer.

I believe everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to. Because it is.

And yet the part of me so desperate to feel love deep down real love, for myself, is so bloody afraid of everything. Afraid of failing. But failing what?

We’re born. We live. We die. Period.

I don’t understand why people are afraid of dying and yet in this moment I am becoming aware of the possibility that I am in facr afraid of life?

So broken, so many pieces. So many versions.

I am finally seeing myself through the eyes of another. Or what I can only describe that way, because whatever it is, it is happening regardless, and that is this new-found ability to see everything in multiple dimensions. Not currently helping me much except for making me feel even worse about myself, since technically I am extremely aware of so many things about myself that I need to change.

And yes there is a difference between changing yourself as a person at your core to “fit the mode for a certain person”. We all know this happens in numerous types of relationships. But the concept of changing yourself for the better, say in my life for example, I need to stop interrupting people. Look at people when talking, and that includes my camera, and oh here’s a big thing, I need to change…

Not losing the plot and attacking people who I love. I don’t want to attack anyone ever, but I do, and unfortunately when I fully dissociate it really does feel like there are two versions of me. This isn’t an issue. This is very literally exactly what happens.

I obviously want it to stop as much as the next person, and in all honesty, think I’m still a little in shock about what happened. What I did. How I treated someone. Not just any someone but my friend who has been a amazing friend. Maybe that’s why everything feels so weird. After everything that happened in January this year I truly believed that I was done with that part of my life.

I don’t want to be that person. For those of you who are out there that have never experienced what this feels like, I would say it is very difficult to imagine.

Anyway, I’ve done what I always do and written far more than I’d planed since I would like to learn some personality content for the next few hours.

Do what I need to do..

Focus on doing what makes me feel good and one thing at a time. Stay in the now. In my body. Not in my head. Thoughts are ego.

4:38 PM

Boss is with me keeping me company 🥰