I’m just not in the right head space to keep trying to work on my assignment.
I need to eat dinner and wasn’t feeling hungry at all due to the four Ritalin I’ve had today. I decided I wanted to vape a little weed after all.
I’ve been using my ecigarette vape all day along with two valiums…
I’m in a funk because that’s what happens when I feel this dumb. Dumb enough to cry.
And so I have decided I’ve done all that I can for today and I want to vape some weed, go to my room and put on the tv, them eat something and go to sleep.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I have been in far worse states than this one, and I always pull through.
I really need to remember self compassion for myself.
I don’t know why I have days where I feel like this. But I do.
It’s ok. Like my Psychologist says, we’re all still human. We all have days like today.
Every day I work on myself. Not always consciously but I do.
I have been told so many times that just writing my stories and sharing like I do takes time and effort. I just never think of it like that.
Like today for example. I don’t even know who I said it to but days like today cause my ego to go nuts! Like crazy mean, I want to scream, to make what she says shut up.
For those of you who have been following along for long enough, you will be aware that I have had all the information I need to learn to ace these last four units since last year. I knew I was restarting again in July because none of my last four units lined up with Trimester One.
Oh My God! Lucky me, I thought. I had over six months to study everything. To learn all I could walking into the units, so I wouldn’t have to deal with how severe my anxiety becomes when it comes to university.
My anxiety around uni takes the thing I love most, learning, and makes me want to run away and never look back.
So I promised myself that I would not let that happen again. That I had to do absolutely everything I could to make sure I got the grades I so desperately wanted so that I can get into Honours..
Yet, as you all know, that didn’t happen. And now, all I want to do is cry. Because I feel so unbelievablely stupid and useless.
And with that comes all the different versions of me talking and questioning but most of all telling me everything I do wrong. Like for example, once again, interrupting my boss during this evenings meeting.
Huh! I have just now in this moment, why the inside of my mouth is always bleeding. I’m now literally biting the inside of my mouth to stop myself from interrupting others and it’s still not working!
It’s no bloody wonder I’m so bloody sensitive. Though thankfully, since the voice instead my head may as well be the devil, there’s not much someone else can say about me that will hurt me.
But to clarify, if I’m blamed for something I haven’t actually done, shit like that still triggers me.
I do believe that I deal with all the mountain of shit that I do because of the fact that I am so ok to share it. Writing things out like this helps me. Helps me realise things I either didn’t understand or even know.
One of the things that keeps going around and around in my mind is how come I’m here where I’m at? How come I have cried once again about how dumb I feel? Why aren’t I prepared for uni? Why am I once again feeling like I’m behind? That there’s absolutely no chance I’m getting into Psychology Honours and it’s all because I’m lazy, stupid and not good enough. And these are just some of them.
Ah well, like I said, tomorrow is another day. I have been filming myself for 210 days in a row today. I can easily go back and see for myself what’s been going on.
Guess I really did just need to call it a day. I know I’m doing the best I can and that what will be is what will be.
Boss has just jumped onto my bed and is demanding to be let in, so on that note, I’m going to get up to let him in, then go get some food.
I am feeling much better already ♡♡