Which just makes me cry even more.
I allowed myself to believe that I had finally found someone, some people who completely accepted me into their friendship group.
I feel so stupid.
I’ve never been part of a friendship group for long. And the last one was high school, say age 16.
I really starting to feel like I’ve got 2 options..
Focus on succeeding…..
Or just end it .
I am once again not aligned fully with my belief..
For if I were…
Surely I wouldn’t be hurting this much..
No succeeding is what I need to focus on at all! I am ok! I am a good person! I am good enough!
I’m telling myself this after having to literally tell myself out loud to get up and try to get my breathing under control, because I can barely see from crying so much
I guess this is all my trauma she was talking about. This is just proof that I must leave people alone. No body understands me.
Turns out, understanding people come and go, doesn’t do shit in the way of shielding me how how much it truly feels to be someone that people are so easy to walk away from.
Even Boss. He’s obviously had enough too. I won’t even stay in the room with me right now. I came out to him in the lounge to get a cuddle but he ran away again, when a really bad bout of crying took over.
Sinking this rapidly and badly truly hurts like hell. Because not only do I feel emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and in so much pain, because I have reacted like this instead of just accepting it and continuing on with my day, make me question absolutely everything. And that is never good when I feel like this. But I have calmed down a lot and stopped crying since having to tell myself out loud to get up, so that’s something.
I’m sitting in the lounge which is slowly getting dark, so, that makes me happy. I have the last half of the movie I put on last night that Randy didn’t enjoy, ready on my tv, and now that I’m feeling up to it, will get up and put patty in the oven, to make a burger for dinner.
I look forward to the day when I am truly not bothered by anything outside of me. But to get there, I can now clearly see, is by making a few changes in my life moving forward. I know what they are, or at least some of them but that’s for another day.
I’m going to see someone I actually meet at the vet, tomorrow after lunch sometime. He has some old riding clothes he doesn’t need anymore that he thinks will be ok for me. I’m going to focus on that, and the friends I do have.
My tummy is now actually making loud noises so I definitely have to get up and make dinner.