My bed is my happy place when I’m sad ๐Ÿ˜”

It would be funny if it didn’t feel so bad, just how drastically my mood has changed from this morning.

I think this book for strategies to deal with ADHD really triggers me. I still haven’t accepted that my life has been made so much harder when it didn’t need to be. I am still grieving the life I could have had.

But I’m 36 and have lifetime of feeling inadequate and stupid to try and deal with but I just don’t know how. Rachel tells me that I need to change the narrative in my head, which I understand, but how do you do that when you’re not hearing anything, just feeling the sadness.

So since I am alone with no one to help me with day to day stuff, or to tell me its ok, everything is going to be ok, I have come to bed. Pulled my curtains so I can pretend the world doesn’t exist.

I took valuim and it hasn’t overly helped so fuck it, I have used my vape. It’s 3:27pm. Just another thing to add to my ever going list of failures..

The only real thing I’m holding on to right now is that so far I’ve managed to keep my suicidal thoughts at bay. Nor do I want to cut, so that’s a good thing. Guess I should just focus on this for now since it’s about all I can manage.

But its days like today where I know I could never have another house mate again, meaning I have to figure out how to manage living alone with all of my issues, knowing that I will never really have the help that comes with being in a relationship.

I believe my Soul chose all of this before I was born, its just sometimes something happens and it’s harder to tap into.

Mr X is on my mind. He was the only person in in this world who completely removed the black cloud thats been with me my whole life. He would walk into the room and it would disappear. I know this is what I have to achieve myself but right now I just see him. Hold him. Know it’s all going to be ok.

But I don’t so I’m lying on my bed in tears. Trying to convince myself that it’s ok if I don’t get to do more degrees. Trying to accept that I won’t achieve what I set out to because my ego will always remind me that nothing I do will ever be good enough.

Think I’m going to vape some more and cry myself to sleep ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

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