I want my mum ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ

And yet we don’t even have a relationship anymore. She couldn’t even read the last message I sent her. Just told me “I’m not reading that”.

Yet, all I’ve ever wanted is a good relationship with my mum. She’s still the one my inner child needs to tell me it’s all going to be ok. Even though she has never done that for me before.

I fact my mum is the one who constantly told me that my life evolves around my health conditions (it does!) and that I’m not doing enough to fix it. Not just taking my meds and getting on with it even though I take all the medications I’m supposed to.

Right now all I feel is worthless. I am crying again. Worse than before. Writing here helps but as soon as I stop, I’m racked with tears, crying uncontrollably.

I wish I understood why I still want my mum so much during times like this, but I guess it’s because she’s my mum and I love her and I want to be good enough for her, i just don’t think I ever will be. It will destroy me if something was to happen to her and the last time we spoke was so bad. She has made it clear it doesn’t matter what I do it won’t be enough.

I have so much to do. I really need to contact support for this website since in trying to make it easier to find stuff, I’ve only made it worse.

But something is tearing me apart inside.

I finally got up at a reasonable time, had a lovely morning, yet now just can’t stop crying.

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