Sometimes it really does feel like I am never ever going to be enough. Do enough. Be worthy ofy place in this world.
I am reading this book on ADHD and yet instead of it helping me, it just sometimes enhances how much I have fucked up my life.
I am so angry at myself regarding studying. So unbelievably angry. I now see this. I try so hard. I really do, but I am so afraid I am going to fail everything. Which makes no sense, because as I said to Andrew this morning, I have succeeded in every single thing I have ever wanted to do.
And yet, I sit here on my couch in tears. Feeling like the stupidest person alive.
I just want to remember what I learn. I want to feel like I am doing my best instead of feeling like all I do os make excuses. Because that’s how I feel.
Why is trying to get better making me feel so much worse?!? I don’t get it.
I truly did believe that I could succeed in getting all my psychology degrees, but each day that goes by, has me wondering if I am kidding myself. Maybe I am.
All I can hear on days like today, is my mum in my head, telling me to “just take my medication and get on with it” like I can somehow just click my fucking fingers and make this all go away.
Mental health still has such a huge stigma, and I have soooo many fucking mental health conditions, each one, affecting me every day.
Crying isn’t helping me. I have no idea why I even am. I have had a good day. I even got to film the lazer removal, so the fact that I feel like this, just makes me feel even worse.
I never would have believed when I was younger that I would be so completely alone at this age. I have wonderful friends this is true, and I enjoy my own company, but, I guess, on some days, or moments like this, how alone I am is amplified.
I may not have shared the full story, but one thing is for sure, I am done with lying to myself about everything and anything. My truth is that I am very much in love with someone I haven’t seen in a long time in person, meaning I will always live alone….
I truly don’t even know what to say actually since what I feel has always been more than enough. But hey, at least I have stopped crying while writing this blog..