In case last post wasn’t clear, I’m cancelling everything and removing cord before MAFS is finished. Study is far more important πŸ’•πŸ˜

Hahaha that’s all I really have to say. (UPDATE: i was wrong 🀣)

If I want to keep watching I have laptop. Which folds into a tablet, yet keep forgetting 😬 πŸ˜†

But honestly, like with everything else, I am just at a point now where it’s like, I either step up or I stop.

Even as I stand here in my kitchen, sun pouring in, I’ve had a bong, and am going to keep watching Killing Eve, because even though my mind is rapidly thinking of all the things I could be doing, my body is like, nah, we stoned now, lie down and watch some TV.

So, I’m definitely at that point in my life, where I am happy to radically change some some. TV will still be there but no cord means I’ll cover it.

12.19pm. It’s just hit me πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ why yesterday’s is seriously playing on my mind even though I have no interest in smoking ice ever again.

And it’s because I did love it. I can’t lie about that. I loved the feeling it gave me and truly thought I’d smoke it forever. I remember what it feels like to feel so completely dependent on something you know is fucking with your brain, mind, body and soul. But that doesn’t stop you from loving it.

Yet, I stopped. I know I am lucky in some ways, though I’m also very unlucky in others. But by the time I was ready to quit ice, my life had been turned completely upside down and then thrown around again by Mr X. There is so much to that story that I’m just not sure I’m ever going to be able to explain properly and that’s probably a good thing, since I’ve been thinking about his family a lot lately. Especially his wife. They’ve all been in my dreams. The dreams that are so real.

I have admitted it before in other posts but my original reason for doing anything was my unconditional love for this man who treated me worse than anyone. Yet, he didn’t. Currently he’s painted in a bad light, but I love him for a reason. Though I’ve just realised I look way worse than him, given how delusional I appear lol but I figure I’m not hurting anyone …

I video chatted to Grant for like 2 hours today. We’ve known each other over 10 years, so he knew me then, before it got bad, while it was bad then really really bad (cue Mr X), then through my decision to stop and my journey as to how I got clean. Learning to get back my confidence level has been a hard and long journey. Still apart of my journey truthfully. I can talk to my camera the way I do because that is who I have. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and are certainly all different.

The bong has definitely hit me. Eyes are dropping. Must put phone away so going to publish lol

UPDATE 2 12:42PM: I gave up ice to become someone who can help others through helping myself. I didn’t give up ice just to sit around all day vaping weed and watching tv. I could have kept smoking ice and done that while keeping to myself and still seeing the man i love behind everyone’s back. So, yeah, I haven’t come this far to quit or fail now. Satan may as well have handed me the apple himself that pipe looked good yesterday. I’m not going to lie. But I will never ever ever touch it, and in the Universe sending me this test, I also see weed and tv have to go too. At least until I’ve graduated in my double degree, with an acceptance into honours.

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